why are They famous?

MAIN CLAIM: Happens to be the offspring of the most famous woman in the world. Oh, and some Cuban fitness trainer best known for his healthy sperm. Lourdes Maria Ciccone Leon, age 16 months, is finally and belatedly starring in the Madonna and Child show. Let's face it, it had to happen. With a headline too groaningly gift-wrapped to miss, so far the caption writers have been resigned to 'Mum's the Word', creak creak, accompanied by long lens shots of swaddling robes and burly nannies. Now little Lourdes is being exploited, sorry featured, in her very first photo shoot, for Vanity Fair, just as her loving mother releases her first major album for four years. A nice set of free snaps for the rellies, readers, and that's all there is to it.

APPEARANCE: Extraordinarily pretty, vast orbed, rosebud mouthed toddler who looks like the popular star Madonna. Apple cheeked wannabe in toddlers' group Christmas pageant. Latino Miss Pears. Future world-beating beauty (see also Princess Caroline's daughter Charlotte, Prince William, and Heavenly Hiraani Tiger-whatever her name is).

HOLY MOTHER: Lourdes, pronounced 'Lord-ez', but affectionately known as 'Lola', has taken to kissing dogs and strange people in playgrounds. She goes to a baby gym, she has pierced ears, two nannies, limited TV time, Bible readings, and loves Madonna unconditionally, unlike anyone else. "She doesn't know about me being famous," explains the world's greatest living popular icon. "She hasn't got a clue."

PRETTY BABY: "Iknew that having a child would be an incredible healing experience....Lourdes is the love of my life," says the, er, Maternal Girl. Madonna has lately been greeted with coos of deeply sexist approval over her reformed ways, her barely-bleached hair, and her general soft- as-silkMummy act. "I'm a mother now. I'm trying to affect people in a quieter way," explains the fiery feminist.

OH FATHER: There have been cruel suggestions that the provider of young Lourdes' X chromosome, Carlos 'The Tackle' Leon, has played a role more suited to a beast in a stud farm. The maternal one on the delicate matter: "She's absolutely Daddy's little girl." Aw.

FAME PROSPECTS: "It was my own personal rebellion against my father," explains Madonna of Sex , one of her more colourful career moves. Just wait, Madonna. Lourdes will change her name to Lorna, turn Quaker, become a personnel assistant at a regional shoe manufacturing company, and keep her hair dark. Atta girl.