MAIN CLAIM: Male scion of the most glammy, hammy, tragedy-blasted mini-monarchy the world has yet to invent - the living, weeping incarnation of a collaboration between Paris Match, Hello! and Knots Landing in a Cote d'Azur made-for-television special. Namely, Albert is the boy Grimaldi, thus the only dynastically important one, and sadly the only celebritocratically boring one. However, his Highness has just turned 40, and is hinting at future mini-series wedding bells. "I must start thinking about founding a family. I am gradually reaching the critical point," he says.
APPEARANCE: Sperm with Velcro hairpiece. White pawn. Prince Edward's Euro-cousin. Ian Hislop's slightly better-looking brother. "I have never been someone to express rebellion through a special haircut or a shocking look," he explains.
BOY POWER: Prince Albert is the blond, bland piggy in the middle, the point where destiny and character clash. While his two sibling glamour girls sport Grimaldiesque dark and brooding Heathcliffian charisma and Princess Stephanie appears to have inherited the family testosterone, the fair and delicately-featured Albert has emerged from the shallow end of Grace Kelly's gene pool. Set to take over Monaco, meanwhile, Albert rides bobsleds, grows balder and chubbier and squires sisters to glittering Monte Carlo popstar events. The prospect of Albert as King is about as thrilling as Sophie Rhys-Jones as Mrs Windsor. We suggest that the blackguard, Daniel Ducruet, ex-husband and bodyguard of Princess Stephanie, stages a Pink Palace coup for our interest and enjoyment.
PLAY TIME: Albert has traditionally been dubbed a "playboy". This seems to have involved sporadic stretching on yachts to a backdrop of bare bosoms. While his sisters can boast disco diva pasts in classic Riviera Eurotrash mode, Albert has so far failed to model swimwear or marry anyone dodgy,
SUITABLE GIRL: A mystery royal-stylee bridelet seems to be in the wings. "If my relationship with her evolves the way I hope it will, there is a real possibility that this relationship could be serious. But let me keep my private life a secret," he tells half the nation's doctors' waiting rooms in this week's Hello!
FAME PROSPECTS: "I'd like to act in a contemporary murder mystery," says Albert. Face it, readers. Fame of the half-hearted, balding and mousy variety is Albert's destiny. We must leave all fun, scandal, and extremely unwise love activity to those naughty sisters.
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