Cap'n bails out frantically as boat drifts

There was the good ship `Tory', all tattered sails and battered planks, but everything was eerily calm

Mr Major's hebdomas horribilis may be over, but he will hardly be rejoicing. Last week - as lightning cracked around the rigging - his ship was buffeted by storms of such ferocity that spars cracked, sails were rent, and salt water poured into the heads. But above the raging of the howling winds could be heard the metallic and monotonous sound of one lone voice shouting orders to the crew. "Splice the mainbrace! Batten down the hatches! The position is perfectly clear!".

Lashed to the main-mast (albeit involuntarily, courtesy of his thoughtful first and second mates) Cap'n John sang his song of defiance in the teeth of a whirlwind. Who could not have a grudging admiration for his tenacity?

But there is something worse than a storm at sea, and that is the quiet afterwards. At least the ocean-tossed mariner in the storm's eye is still somehow at the centre of things, capable in some small way of controlling events. When the giant waves subside and the wind drops, he becomes quite powerless, destined to drift in his damaged boat until thirst, hunger or miraculous rescue supervenes.

Yesterday, at Prime Minister's Questions, we enjoyed few of the previous encounter's histrionics. There was the good ship Tory, all tattered sails and battered planks, but everything was eerily calm. Tony Blair circled lazily in a spanking new motor boat and called over to the PM through his loud hailer. Did Cap'n Major agree with Sir Leon Brittan (Tory grandee and Euro commissioner) that Tory divisions on Europe were "damaging Britain's negotiating position?"

The problem for the PM was that if he simply replied "yes", then the obvious answer would be for him and his party to bugger off. So he tried suggesting that (a) "when the House of Commons is divided on any issue", Britain's position was weakened (a silly analysis, since this has never happened and we have still won two world wars) and (b) "what also weakens it is that many of the socialist governments in Europe are expecting an easy ride" were there a Labour government (that is everyone expects the Tories to bugger off soon and will not take him seriously).

The Labour leader's propellors churned their easy passage through the calm waters, the pilot adjusting his yachting cap and continuing thus, "could I just suggest to the Prime Minister that there is less clear water between him, one part of his Cabinet and this side of the House than between him and most of his own party?" And indeed Tony's sleek prow did seem to be nudging the shivered timbers of SS Tory. "The position is perfectly clear," mumbled the PM through cracked lips.

When Mr Blair sat back down and turned his helm for land, practically all that could be heard was the plaintive cry of the seagulls (Tory Nigel Evans desperately talking up the threat of the minimum wage to his "beautiful" Ribble Valley) and all that could be seen - in the shape of Teresa Gorman (Tory Europhobe, Billericay) - was a glimpse of circling shark's fin. Was he aware, bubbled Jaws menacingly, that a MORI poll in Essex showed that 60 per cent wanted out of Europe, gnash? Time for a referendum, surely? "What this country needs is a rational debate about Europe," was Mr Major's best response.

The most telling moment of all, however, occurred when Lynne Jones (Labour; Birmingham, Selly Oak) asked whether he should not now resign as Prime Minister. "The simple answer", said the defiant Cap'n, "is NO!"

And there was complete silence, save for the faint gurgle of a vessel steadily shipping water.