Games: Statistically insignificant

More ruminations suggested by recent opinion surveys.

Lifestyle surveys are are all very w ell in themselves, but it is only when you combine the findings of different polls that you arrive at a true picture of the degradation that affects the country today. Just look at the following figures:

1 per cent of adults buy more than 10 lottery tickets each week;

1 per cent of women, given one wish, would ask for a new husband;

1 per cent of women dunk biscuits in iced tea;

1 per cent of women hope for sex after office Christmas parties;

1 per cent of men wear the same underpants all week.

Only when you see the facts so clearly spelt out do you realise that these are all the same people - miserable women married to men in filthy underpants, so desperate for a better life that they spend all their money on lottery tickets while dreaming of sex and a change of husband - and so full of self-loathing that they dunk their biscuits in iced tea.

3 per cent of people bath only once a week;

3 per cent of women love someone other than their husbands;

3 per cent of women over 16 have gone ten pin bowling in the last month;

3 per cent of women over 16 have done weightlifting in the last month;

3 per cent of women over 16 have played darts in the last month.

3 per cent of cats are more than 25 per cent overweight.

They will do anything, it seems, rather than go home to their unloved, unbathed husbands.

Still, the exercise will do them good, since they are probably as fat as their overfed pussy-cats.