Labour Conference: The Sketch - Beleaguered Virgin will have to become more satisfying

VIRGIN TRAINS has been having a hard time here at Blackpool and must be bitterly regretting the huge stand, for which they paid thousands, at the entrance to the conference hall.

Willowy girls in red air stewardess uniforms flutter their eyelids at delegates inviting them to try out the airline's Upper Class seats. Then, horror stories are regaled to them by delegates of delayed, expensive, and overcrowded journeys by train from London to the conference.

Few have been spared the nightmare and journalists, party members and Cabinet ministers have all been put through the Branson mangle. The Chief Secretary, Alistair Darling, after a particularly disagreeable six-hour experience, caught Minister of Transport John Reid and barked: "When are you going to sort these trains out?" Mr Reid retorted: "When you give me some more money."

Virgin offers massages and the hall foyer is blocked by Labour delegates kneeling, trance-like, on a chair with their heads in their hands while the masseuse diverts their attention from railway politics.

The deputy Prime Minister John Prescott, was determined to side with the rank and file and milked the embarrassment of Virgin for his own ends. He joked about his Cabinet colleagues, "who have been enjoying the Virgin experience". But when he became serious his demeanour changed and he glowered with rage as he said: "Travelling by train should be a delight and not an ordeal ... when it comes to railways - I'm no Virgin."

Mr Prescott is a fierce animal in the jungle of politics and is not to be trifled with. Two weeks ago I was in the South African bushveld where, transfixed, I spent an hour watching the finest specimen of bull elephant I have ever seen, demolish and uproot a 40-foot, 100-year-old Redwood tree. My Land Rover disturbed the animal and he lifted his trunk, roared and flapped his ears. I got out of his way sharp.

Mr Prescott similarly threatened the railway companies. "If the current companies can't make the trains run to time, then I'll call time on the companies that run the trains ... and if any of your rail companies get cold feet - you know where to hand in the keys."

It had the desired effect and after he announced his Strategic Rail Authority proposals, the Association of Train Operation Companies were issuing grovelling press releases.

Mr Prescott turned his attentionto buses and trams. One of the few joys of the Blackpool conference is the free bus and tram pass which the Labour council has issued to delegates. The tram system is a transport of delight with some of the vehicles over 60-years-old. Polished rosewood staircases and window frames gleam. Cheerful bus conductors shout out "Next stop for North Pier and the Winter Gardens".

Mr Prescott likes trams and metros, waxing lyrical about the "publicly owned Tyne & Wear Metro." He got even more animated about buses, describing them rather like he sees himself, as "the workhorse of the 20th century ... a thoroughbred for the 21st century".

While Mr Prescott may now be thoroughly New Labour, we were reminded of the Labour Ice Age when four trade union mammoths in the shape of Jimmy Knapp, John Edmonds, Bill Morris and Lew Adams lumbered across to the rostrum. They still feed off a diet of composites. Supplies of which, under New Labour rules, are running out.

Mr Knapp, of the Rail Maritime and Transport Union, growled his way, menacingly, through a speech demanding renationalisation of the railways. This received only sporadic applause.

It was left to the Minister of Transport, John Reid, to persuade conference to withhold Mr Knapp his composite dinner but not before he humoured the trade unionist with a final swipe at Virgin. "I will resist the temptation to have a massage from a Virgin at the conference."