Advertising: Just don't let them hear the voices in your head

"Interior monologue" was Tom Wolfe's wonderful phrase for the urgent wordflow in your head. The point about it was the wild contrast with what you were ostensibly doing or saying. You'd be bantering away with someone, sophisticated stuff, but inside you'd be yelling, "you bastard, you've set me up, but I'll get you, I know your wife/girlfriend/ publisher/banker".

HSBC – and yet they come, those retail bankers – have their own version of the interior monologue in their new commercials. It's called "small print" so it's that bit more mean-spirited and consumerist. It's also mildly funny – mid-funny. Small print means all those "terms and conditions apply" thoughts that people have in their heads when they say yes to something like "will you take this man as your lawful wedded husband".

It's women thinking it, of course, because that's the way now, and they're contemplating life's great passages like marriage and childbirth and saying to themselves: "What's in it for me?" So you've got the bride whose every fibre is yelling "I'm not spending Christmas with his mother," and later, the limiting case: "It's all off if Hugh Grant comes free." Another version has a radiantly pregnant mother in hospital having that sonic crayon thing rubbed across her stomach, sending out pictures of the baby while her soppy-looking husband gets into the elemental wonder of the whole thing. "It's so beautiful." Is she looking forward to the big day? Yes it's amazing. But inside she's churning away: "No pain, no stretch marks, no varicose veins, best mind-blowing drugs for the labour, child mustn't get father's nose, back to part-time work ASAP, first-class child care, must leave the poky flat for a decent house, and lose any weight gained really fast." It's a neat little monologue, even if it is a shopping list.

Then the doctor asks whether she wants a boy or a girl. It's in the lap of the gods, you shouldn't ask, she'd be pleased with anything. But inside it's "must enjoy ballet, shopping and dressing as sugar-plum fairy".

"We know people have small print too," says HSBC comfortably. "That's why we're offering an open face-to-face discussion at your local branch so we can better understand how to help you plan for the future."

And that's where this mid-funny approach falls flat. Can you imagine that open, face-to-face discussion? It's hardly a sell-out offer. You tell them your small print and they'll tell you they can't do it – that's what banking systems are for, that's what withdrawing discretion from local managers is about. You know it, I know it, your guinea pig knows it. And that form of words too – "so we can better understand" – the purse-mouthed construction of the Edinburgh legal classes, purest Morningside. D'you want them in on your interior monologues?