Diary: The gospels according to Eady: a privacy judge with limitless ambition

Matthew Norman
Tuesday 22 September 2015 17:51

Kill that fatted calf, the prodigal judge is returned. After months of quietude since his power to assign cases was removed, Sir David Eady is back in the spotlight ... and this time, with last week's contra mundum injunction, it's global and eternal. Indeed, there seem no limits to his ambitions in the area of privacy, and he is known to have rewritten the gospels from start to finish, with the Eady J Bible scheduled to replace the King James and others this time next year.

Following his landmark judgment in TRTR vs Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, we may do nothing to identify the plaintiff in the following passage, who seeks damages estimated at between 27 and 30 silver coins.

"Then entered Satan into the heart of _____," reads the Eady-amended Luke, chapter 22. "And _____ went his way, and communed with the chief priests and captains, how he might betray ___ unto them. And they were glad."

Satan, while denying any cardiac incursion, has declined to take legal action, but other affronted scriptural parties will have their names redacted. Sir David is also expected to grant a posthumous super to a woman named in court documents only as MM, who wishes to prevent the prose stylist Dan Brown repeating unfounded claims that she bore _____ a child.

* Labour sources may claim that Ed Miliband is in danger of dying from sleep apnoea, but would it risk killing him to say thanks? Only last month, I offered this advice concerning the bunged-up vocal delivery. "For God's sake man, get some surgery for that deviated septum. I can vouch personally for the submucosal resection." To silence those who believe that apnoea (a most unusual condition in the non-overweight) is a fiction, and that the sole surgical intent is to make him sound less like "Ticket to Doddingham" cold-sufferer Malcolm in the old Tunes advert, the specialist sleep clinic at which Ed was tested will wish to confirm the diagnosis forthwith.

* This mistrust of our leaders is absurd, with similar cynicism afflicting Nick Clegg's savage attack on David Cameron for allowing the AV debate to ignite his pants. By absolutely no means did the two men agree every word of Nick's Independent on Sunday interview in advance with imminent elections in mind. It is every bit as convincingly spontaneous a scrap, indeed, as any between Giant Haystacks and Big Daddy in professional wrestling's ITV glory days ... Not to mention all those vicious X Factor bitchfests between Simon Cowell and Cheryl Cole.

* With his anchoring of Radio 4's royal wedding coverage close at hand, I am saddened to find Jim Naughtie beating himself up in an entertaining Daily Mail questionnaire called The Definite Article. Asked which temptation he wishes he could resist, Jim says: "Talking too much ... wouldn't it be nice if just for once someone said to me 'Wow - that was quick'." A classic case of premature self-flagellation. Jim forgets the laurels he collected in December for one short Spooneristic syllable. Touch wood he keeps it clean on Friday.

* Nothing in his long BBC career credited newly departed deputy D-G Mark Byford like the manner of his going. At one leaving bash, Mark lit a candle and handed it to Helen Boaden, Director of News, saying: "I am passing to you the flame of BBC journalism." A lavish talent, already much missed.

* The best of luck to Sun executive editor Fergus Shanahan on his Garrick Club application. Members tempted to do a Paxo and blackball him on tone-lowering grounds should know this: Fergus is a tremendous expert on the operas of Handel.

* For Easter Monday worshippers, we endeth the lesson with a reading (from Pseudo-Apocrypha excised from the Eady J Bible after an ex parte application from the working girl concerned). "And Jesus did say unto the crowd, 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone'. And lo, there came a rock, which did strike the prostitute on the head. And Jesus was made angry, and did turn around, saying: 'I'll tell you what, mother, sometimes you don't half piss me off'."

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