The 5-Minute Interview: Rik Mayall, Comedian

'I play baddies but I'd be a good Jesus'

Rik Mayall, 48, stars in 'Alan B'stard's Extremely Secret Weapon' at Trafalgar Studio in Whitehall from 13 December until 27 January

The tour so far has been ...

Great. I was on tour this summer and the Manchester Evening News gave me the best comedy performance award of 2006.

My characters tend to be ...

The baddy. But I think I'd do a good Jesus.

A phrase I use far too often ...

"Where's my Viagra?"

The most surprising thing that happened to me was ...

Waking up alive on Bank Holiday Monday 1998. I fell off a quad bike and my skull filled with loose blood, mashing my brain. I was dead for five days.

I am not a politician but ...

If I was, I would bring down Western civilisation in all its entirety, apart from licensing hours.

I'm good at ...

Being an astonishingly well-hung, pan-global, light entertainer phenomenon.

The ideal night out is ...

I'm not allowed out.

In moments of weakness, I ...

I don't have moments of weakness. I'm Rik Mayall.

You know me as a comedian but in truer life I'd have been a ...

Breast enthusiast. I failed all my A levels so I might have been a hangman but the bastards took away capital punishment.

In a nutshell, my philosophy is this:

Never ever ever ever ever bloody anything ever. Me and Ade [Edmondson] wrote that when we were tiny.

Sara Newman