Ronnie Corbett dies: 14 of the comedian and actor's funniest quotes

'There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done'

His publicist said the Edinborough-born comedian died today surrounded by his family. (2014 Getty Images)

As one of Britain's most-loved entertainers, Ronnie Corbett will always be fondly remembered for his double act with Ronnie Barker on the sketch show The Two Ronnies.

His intelligent, quick-witted and family-friendly jokes ensured the show's success over a 16-year run making it one of the BBC’s most popular programmes.

He recognised the value of inclusive comedy that could be enjoyed by everyone (not just the grown-ups), something he believed helped his jokes stay relevant decades after the series came to a close.

“We did Donald McGill, seaside-postcard stuff – middle of the road,” he told the Radio Times in 2011.

“We knew what mums, dads, and children would understand and enjoy without resentment. I don’t see the requirement to upset people. You’re there to entertain and please. We’d never do anything tasteless. There’s enough to make fun of without offending.”

His huge appeal was recognised by a number of comedians who mourned the death of their hero and a man who never failed to make them laugh.

Corbett’s meandering arm-chair monologues, always delivered straight to the camera, and comical news headlines were a highlight of each episode. Here is a selection of the celebrated Edinburgh-born comedy icon's funniest jokes:

“French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders' sit-in.”

“A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.”

“We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.”

“All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my right hand.”

“This is a message for seven honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles: Breakfast was served three days ago.”

“A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. 'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?”'

“It was revealed in a government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men, Laurel and Hardy.”

“There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.”

“West Mersea police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.”

“We'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame.”

“After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.”

“A juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.”

“We've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.”

“If I wear too much tartan I tend to look like a Thermos flask.”