Ruby Wax says her depression is 'exactly what it says on the bottle... poison, terrifying, and a complete mummification in nothingness'

The comedienne said she has lost the ability to find meaning in her life

Antonia Molloy
Thursday 18 December 2014 15:45 GMT
Ruby Wax has previously written about her mental health problems in her book Sane New World
Ruby Wax has previously written about her mental health problems in her book Sane New World (AFP/Getty)

Ruby Wax has written candidly about her most recent episode of depression, describing it as "nothing, empty space".

"I remember why depression is so awful now that I'm back in that land; there is no specific sharp, jabbing or throbbing pain, there is no feeling," she wrote in a blog post for the Huffington Post.

The comedienne has always been open about her mental health problems, addressing them in her one-woman shows and her book Sane New World.

But she said that her current experience has caused her to lose sight of who she was before: "There is nothing, empty space, whoever you were who lived in your skin has left the building, vanished."

She added: "This new me can't read, isn't funny, can't really speak, get up or take a walk."

Wax said that, having suffered from depression in the past, she is not afraid and knows there is nothing she can do to speed up her recovery – but she said she still feels fearful because "my chemicals are in full emergency mode" and "mental bomb[s] drop with a message of self loathing".

She described the immense effort it takes just to live out each day without knowing when she will begin to feel better. "It's exactly what it says on the bottle, it's poison, terrifying and a complete mummification in nothingness," she wrote.

But Wax added that writing is a way of dealing with her illness by helping her to remember how it feels, as well as a way to connect with other sufferers.

"I feel I'm on a sinking ship and this writing is an SOS signal."

Her words were met with a deluge of support on social media. On Twitter one user wrote: "This resonates with me so much."

Anther user described the piece as "awful and 100 per cent accurate", while another user tweeted: "Ruby Wax's words on her current depression are heartfelt, honest, tragic and great."

Writing on her own personal blog earlier this month, Wax said her current depression had come on following her departure from America. She said she practises mindfulness, which encourage individuals to live in the present moment, as a means of coping but added it was not a cure.

"With the mindfulness practice I can say, 'There is depression' rather than 'I'm depressed.' It's the little things that count. I'm trying to ride the wave rather than go under."

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