13 hard truths about the Cotswolds that JD Vance should know

A small hamlet in the Cotswolds is in lockdown as America’s vice-president arrives with his family for a short holiday. Good luck with that, says long-time resident Julian Linley, who pulls back the curtain on what life is really like beyond the Disney-esque fantasy...

Growing up in the Cotswolds in the 1980s, my childhood was all village hall discos, feral kittens in farmyards, and one bus a week to the local market. Now it’s a world of deVOL kitchens, security gates, and an epidemic of A-listers cosplaying Cotswolds life (I see you, David Beckham). Oh, and this week – much to everyone’s dismay – JD Vance and his entourage arriving, complete with road blocks and an apology from his host, Pippa Hornby, who bought her 18th-century Cotswolds home in the hamlet of Dean with her husband Johnny in 2017, and told villagers that she was “so sorry for the circus”.

But really, the whole region should come with a warning: just as the Greek islands have morphed into a Mamma Mia theme park, the Cotswolds risk becoming a caricature of America’s idea of it: Downton Abbey meets the Hamptons. But here’s what the influencers won’t tell you…

1. Be prepared for Zimmer Frames

Yup, for every midriff flaunting twentysomething doing peace-fingers by the pool at Soho Farmhouse (for somewhere that bans photography, Instagram is somehow awash with striped towels and picante-boomerangs), you’ll find an army of octogenarians playing bridge inside the multi-million-pound homes they bought for £25k in the 70s.

Those high-end apartments next to the market square you fancy the look of? It’s a retirement community.

2. It might be the bleakest place on Earth in winter

Night falls AT 3PM and the only thing to do is pull those thick curtains to block out the sideways drizzle. If you can survive the strip-lighting at Tesco in Stow-on-the-Wold on a Tuesday afternoon in February (because everything else shuts just after lunch), then go ahead and press purchase on that stoneclad farmhouse, but don’t blame me when no one can hear your screams through those sixteenth-century walls.

3. You will have to book a taxi days in advance

And it will cost you £50 to get anywhere.

4. They CAN see you coming

As soon as tradespeople see a GL or OX in your postcode, they get very giddy with their decimal points. And to be fair, if you can afford a bespoke wine cellar, a temperature-controlled barn for your art collection or an underground garage for your fleet of luxury cars, then some might say you deserve to be taken for a ride.

David Beckham hangs out with his chickens on the grounds of his multi-million pound Cotswold home (Instagram)

5. Every village has a celebrity –but there is only one that matters to locals

Kate Moss basically christened the Cotswolds when she bought a cottage in 2003. Since then, the Beckhams have converted a barn next to Soho Farmhouse, Ellen is Goldilocks-ing her away around the villages, Simon Cowell converted four separate homes in to one £8m mega-mansion (of course he did), Jamie Dornan is setting hearts a-flutter in his local co-op, Calvin Harris’s new build project is keeping the local economy afloat, Hugh Grant, Amanda Holden, Kate Winslet… you get the picture. The funny thing is that the aforementioned pensioners have NO idea who any of them are. Apart from Jeremy Clarkson.

6. There is a love-hate thing going on with Carole Bamford

Aka the queenmaker of villages, not content with turning the sleepy hamlet of Daylesford into Disneyland for people who like scented candles and over-priced cabbages, Carol-with-an-e Bamford has now waved her magic wand over the village pubs in nearby Kingham, Oddington and Asthall, steroid-injecting neighbouring house prices and local business opportunities. Less fun for anyone who doesn’t want to wait six weeks for lunch on a Wednesday, but still, villagers around the Cotswolds can be heard begging “pick me!”, “pick me!” whenever Carole drives through.

Soho Farmhouse in Chipping Norton (without the twentysomethings) (Soho House)

7. It voted Remain, but you’d better get along with Tories

Boris and Carrie held their wedding party at the Daylesford Estate (see above). Chipping Norton, the unofficial capital of the Cotswolds, is David Cameron’s home turf. And now the rightest of right-wingers, JD Vance, is holidaying in the tiny village of Dean. The Cotswolds has long been a safe haven for the yellow-corduroy brigade, but Vance’s impolite and aggressive chat about his brand of American politics will get short shrift at the local bowls club. Oh, and he might want to know that when it comes to childless cat ladies, there are quite a few in these parts too...

8. There are two driving speeds

Country lanes in the Cotswolds are not for the fainthearted. It’s either tourists gripping the steering wheel at 15mph or locals taking corners at 85mph. You can always tell someone who has just moved from London, as there’s a pristine Range Rover parked on the drive. Real Cotswoldians drive second-hand Volvos.

9. There are two tiers of tourists too

And they are literally EVERYWHERE. One cohort on buses heading to Bourton-on-the-Water for a cream tea (sometimes up to 90 coach trips a day), the other thinking they’re in an exclusive Tom Ford fragrance ad in dad’s Porsche, en route to Estelle Manor.

Charlie and Daisy May Cooper in ‘This Country’ (BBC)

10. Beware the village boardroom

Let’s face it, you’ve got to be rich to move to the Cotswolds (house values have increased by approximately 22.8 per cent over the past five years) and most people with the kind of money to buy the best properties tend to have sold a soul at some point. Now imagine what happens when you throw that kind of CEO energy into a tiny village with not a lot going on. Yup, the local horticulture show suddenly becomes more like the Chelsea Flower Show and the backstabbing dramas are like something out of Succession.

11. There’s more to the Cotswolds than meets the eye

Every postcard-perfect cottage and charming village pub has a flip side: the locals pedalling very fast indeed behind the curtain to keep the whole fairytale from collapsing. A Coventry University project, Hidden Hardship, found that many residents in the North Cotswolds quietly endure low-paid seasonal work, rare affordable housing, poor transport, and challenges accessing health care and services. Meanwhile, they’re surrounded by weekend warriors blowing absurd money on hearts made out of twigs to hang on their front door. There’s a reason the Lidl car park is rammed and why Daisy May Cooper’s mockumentary This Country was so popular.

12. It IS as ridiculously beautiful as it looks

It might be easier to get a reiki massage than a pint of milk, but on a summer afternoon, there is nowhere on earth better than the Cotswolds.

13. But it’s still closer to Birmingham than it is to London…