Andy McSmith's Diary: George Osborne’s Budget Day jokes are costing the nation a fortune

Mr Osborne used Crossrail 2 as the peg for a joke at Jeremy Corbyn’s expense, describing the £27bn project as 'good for those who live in north London and are heading south'

British Finance Minister George Osborne poses for pictures with the Budget Box as he leaves 11 Downing Street (AFP/Getty)

The price of a George Osborne Budget joke has soared. Last year, it was noted that he had invested £1m in a commemoration of the 600th anniversary of the Battle of Agincourt for no apparent reason other than that it allowed him to make a terrible joke at former Labour leader Ed Miliband’s expense about a “band of brothers”. And his £40m investment in the so-called “internet of things” paved the way for another Miliband gag, (something about having remote control of your two kitchens) – every bit as bad as the first. That was £41m for two jokes.

But for this year’s Budget, the Chancellor really went big. He used Crossrail 2 as the peg for a joke at Jeremy Corbyn’s expense, describing it as “good for those who live in north London and are heading south”. Crossrail 2 will cost £27bn – the most expensive Osborne gag yet.

A punchline in history

But the joke Tory MPs enjoyed most was at the expense of the Liberal Democrats, because nothing is funnier than kicking your old Coalition partners when they are down. Scoffing at a misplaced warning from the former Lib Dem pensions minister Steve Webb that pensioners may be about to lose their right to a tax-free lump sum, the Chancellor replied: “We’re going to keep the lump sum and abolish the Liberal Democrats.”

It took the Lib Dem press office only a matter of minutes to put out their riposte: “Given he’s missing all his other targets, we’re not that worried.”

Houses built on paper

Mr Corbyn got the biggest laugh for his sarcastic observation that only 368 of the promised 15,000 new homes at Ebbsfleet in Kent have so far so far been built, but they have been trailed in 30 Government announcements, which works out at 12 homes per press release. “We need a vast increase in press releases,” Corbyn urged.

The housing minister, Brandon Lewis, has separately announced a target of one million houses built in England by 2020. Using the Corbyn calculator, it will take more than 83,000 press releases to fulfil that pledge.

Dress, we can

For a moment, we thought Mr Corbyn had taken to heart that comment that David Cameron threw across the despatch box at him three weeks ago: “Put on a proper suit, do up your tie and sing the national anthem.” The Labour leader, three times winner of the Worst Dressed MP Award in his backbench days, arrived with his red tie properly tied, his white shirt neatly ironed, and wearing what looked at first glance like a blue suit. In fact, it was a blue jacket and black trousers – but still very smart, by Corbyn standards.

Hard luck for soft drink

Shares in AG Barr, manufacturers of Scotland’s other national drink Irn Bru, tumbled from £5.50 to £5.24 after Mr Osborne announced the sugar tax, before recovering slightly. The company’s chief executive, Roger White, described the announcement as “extremely disappointing”. Let us hope that Irn Bru got him through.

The most crucial stat of all

Thanks to Ian A Jones, data journalist with the Press Association, for the important information that George Osborne has now spent six hours and 41 minutes of his life standing and delivering Budget speeches.

Here here, hair hair

The budget speech was preceded by Prime Minister’s Questions. Tory MP Nigel Huddleston pointed that the first two backbenchers called to ask questions were his fellow Tories Karen Lumley and Michael Fabricant, both of whom have fascinating hair. Karen Lumley once set off a rumour that she was about to defect to Ukip after spending £80 on a hairdo featuring stripes of the party’s purple; while ever since Michael Fabricant first arrived in the Commons in 1992, people have been intrigued by his dazzling blond hair.

He has often denied wearing a wig, but does admit that his hair is “enhanced”.