Conference diary

A nasty confrontation was narrowly averted at the Imperial Hotel. A group of journalists, including The Guardian's sketch writer, Simon Hoggart, returned from dinner and went straight to the front of a long queue waiting to pass through the hotel's stringent security. One old suit, who had waited his turn, was outraged. "Bloody hell, boys", said the suit, "there's thousands of them back there", to which the breezy Hoggart replied, "well, there'd be no point pushing in if it were a short queue", and strolled on through with his party.

THE FREE PRESS

The latest edition of the popular Campaign for David Cameron News is hot off the press. Holding true to journalism's core values of unbiased reporting, the CDCN leads with the headline "Cameron Momentum Builds", a story showing the Young Pretender ahead in every poll. In the interests of balance, the CDCN augments this lead with two supplementary stories: "Aspiration and Optimism: Cameron's Conference Message", a witty deconstruction of Cameron's conference speech, and a brief item pointing readers still hungry for Cameron news in the direction of Tuesday's Independent, where the great man wrote a piece.

TATWATCH

Cameron supporters were sporting American-style "I HEART D C" placards and T-shirts. Free.

Hacks and delegates were quenching their thirst in a non-traditional fashion with Ken Clarke "It's Time To Win" mineral water. Free.

There has been no sign of any tat from the Fox camp. With this in mind, Martha Kearney, BBC Newsnight's political editor, asked Richard Shackleton, Fox's PR, where he was hiding Fox's promotional material. He returned with a smirk and a bag of Fox's Glacier Mints.

BAD DAY

The Chancellor. During David Cameron's speech, there was a bout of name-calling that could only be interpreted as a veiled reference to constipation. Gordon Brown was called variously The Great Roadblock, The Complicator, and The Great Regulator.

GOOD DAY

David Davis' heart. Yesterday, DD popped into the Merck exhibition stall for a photo-op health check. The Independent can now reveal Davis' results: pulse rate - 51; cholesterol count - 5; blood pressure - 127/74. A trusted medic revealed that this is "very healthy for a man his age, especially the heart rate".

QUOTES OF THE DAY

All courtesy of Boris Johnson, MP for Henley-on-Thames.

On the Leadership Race: "I'm backing David Cameron's campaign out of pure, cynical self-interest."

On his rant against Tesco: "That will get me into trouble, because supermarkets make huge contributions to political parties."

CLAPOMETER: CLARKE VS CAMERON

Cameron: rapturous. Standing ovation for four minutes and time for on stage kiss with his wife.

Clarke: rapturous; more laughs than Cameron and an equally enthusiastic ovation which he cut short by leaving the stage.

PIMP PARTY

The 27-year-old rising star of the party, Rishi Saha, gives the world www.pimpmyparty.co.uk. In a parody of MTV's Pimp My Ride, gamers reconstruct "the old banger" that is the Tory party. Leading the straw poll for the driver's seat? Derek from Big Brother, with David Hasselhoff pushing him hard.

TODAY'S AGENDA

10.15am: Caroline Spelman, shadow Secretary of State for Local Government Affairs and Communities

11.10am: Oliver Letwin, shadow Chancellor

11.40am: David Davis, shadow Home Secretary

2.30pm: Andrew Mitchell, shadow International Development Secretary

3.20pm: Liam Fox, shadow Foreign Secretary

3.35pm: William Hague

3.50pm: Michael Ancram, deputy leader

Ed Caesar