Sketch: The B & Q Chainsaw Jobs Massacre

Project Fear steps up a gear as Cameron and Osborne tell you, me and B & Q to do what they say or face the consequences

David Cameron and George Osborne take project fear to B & Q Headquarters (PA)

We thought we’d been summoned to B & Q so that no living organism could be allowed not to get the Chancellor’s joke about the ‘DIY recession.’ But then, as George Osborne read out his terrifying booklet on 'The Immediate Economic Impact of Leaving the EU’, he was suddenly interrupted by the unmistakeable sound of a petrol chainsaw being fired into action. And then, from the end of the Outdoor & Garden aisle, out ran the Prime Minister, his face covered by a blood-spattered welders mask he'd nabbed from Safety & Workwear.

“DO YOU WANT TO LOSE YOUR JOB?!” He screamed, waving the chainsaw in wide circles above his head, the £69.99 price tag still attached, squeezing the revs to full power. “WHO WANTS TO LOSE THEIR JOB? I SAID WHO WANTS TO LOSE THEIR JOB!! OH! YOU DON’T DO YOU? WELL YOU BETTER DO EXACTLY WHAT I SAY THEN!”

I’m paraphrasing, but you get the effect. The treasury have had their best men on it, they’ve published their equations, and according to the latest projections, Brex1t = we’re all f***ed.

40 million jobs will be lost. House prices will fall by more than 300 per cent. Russian oligarchs will be wheeling wheelbarrows full of cash down the King's Road, begging you to take their double fronted mews home with 10,000 foot basement conversion from them. Laugh if you want but it happened in Weimar Germany.

The B & Q staff, standing around in their orange aprons just stared blankly on. They know they’ll all be fine. They don’t even work there. They’re all actors. Well, at least the ones in the adverts are all actors. I happen to know this for a fact as a pal of mine who once played Hamlet for 29 consecutive nights on a tour of the US then failed to land a part in which the only speaking line was, ‘Like this Black and Decker Quattro for only £81.99.”

Quite what they all make of this is anyone’s guess. “You’ve all got the morning off,” the boss must have told them “The Prime Minister’s coming. He’s had this idea where we all have a vote on whether or not you want to lose your job. He’s coming to tell you you don’t want to lose your job. Smile for the cameras and it’s back to the shop floor after lunch.”

Not four weeks ago, David Cameron was saying ‘You’ll never hear me say Britain couldn’t flourish outside of the EU.” Now, according to treasury analysis, the consequences of Brexit range from ‘shock’ all the way up to ‘severe shock.’ Inflation up by 2 per cent within a year. Recession by 2018. Nuclear holocaust by christmas. If the PM believed even the first word of this stuff, there’s absolutely no chance we’d be having this referendum at all.

One chap in the audience dared to ask as much. ‘If it’s this dangerous,” he said. “Why are we having this referendum?’

It’s a pertinent point. “I think it’s the right thing to do,” Cameron told him. “The British public haven’t been asked about this since 1975.” He's right, but nor has there been a referendum since 1975 on firing our Trident missiles at ourselves just for a laugh.

Whether said chap was satisfied with the answer he was given we can but wonder. The BBC got halfway through asking him before a B & Q media operative acting on the instructions of HM Treasury turned up, whacked their palm over the camera lens and told them to stop filming. She needn’t have worried. Amid the muffled confusion that followed you can just make out the response: “Like this Black and Decker Quattro for only £81.99.”