Pete Hegseth is an alpha male who doesn’t have time for your Deep State questions

Doesn’t it just make you want to crack open a cold one and refuse a woman a promotion? Hell yeah, God bless the USA!, writes Holly Baxter

Last week, the Pentagon quietly placed three top aides — Dan Caldwell, Colin Carroll and Darin Selnick — on administrative leave in connection with a widening probe into leaked internal messages from a private Signal chat. The messages, which allegedly revealed internal dissent and strategic planning inside Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s inner circle, have prompted national security concerns and questions about internal vetting at the Department of Defense.

That, of course, comes hot on the heels of the whole “bombing the Houthis while sharing fist-bump emojis and American flags” thing we all had to contend with a few weeks prior.

If you were hoping for sober accountability or a show of calm leadership in response, however, Tuesday morning’s Fox & Friends interview with Hegseth delivered instead…something else entirely.

Indeed, if you tuned into Fox News and thought you’d accidentally stumbled into a testosterone-injected cosplay of Pentagon leadership, you were not alone. There he was: our very own nation’s Secretary Pete Hegseth, live and vibrating with intensity, all wild eyes, aggressive gesticulations and the unflinching confidence of a man who owns several pairs of Oakleys and has definitely yelled “Let’s f***ing go!” in a locker room.

The segment — ostensibly an attempt to explain the Signal chat leaks and the suspensions of his staff — quickly devolved into a monologue that was part Gladiator, part gym mirror pep talk and part word cloud taped to a punching bag.

“Those folks… who were pushed out of the building are now leaking again,” he explained. “Once a leaker, always a leaker — often a leaker,” he then quickly added, in what could generously be described as a folksy tautology or, less generously, a cry for help.

Pressed ever-so-gently by host Taylor Penley on whether he’d personally fired the men involved, Hegseth offered a masterclass in Washington evasion, culminating with: “There are a lot of ways to communicate in this building.” Cool. So… yes? No? Carrier pigeon? Ouija board?

Meanwhile, the “hoax media,” according to Hegseth, is too fixated on what might have gone wrong. The real story, he insisted, is everything going so right — including “the decimation of the Houthis” and, of course, “rooting out DEI.” And doesn’t that just make you want to crack open a cold one and refuse a woman a promotion? Hell yeah! By the way, he’s bringing back “a war fighting ethos.”

Never mind that the three men suspended for leaking classified internal information are all white male veterans — Caldwell, Carroll and Selnick — and not exactly the poster boys for diversity hiring gone wild. Still, Hegseth thundered on, declaring that he was “here to do one job — one job for the president and the American people: secure the country, America First, peace through strength.” The sentence had all the cohesion of a Fourth of July bumper sticker melting in the sun. But also: war fighting.

At one point, the conversation veered into Panama Canals and Elon Musk’s personal itinerary. “That’s how it works when you actually investigate leaks,” Hegseth concluded, clearly floundering. Then came the moment of philosophical gravity: “Leaking is not OK in national security policy and we will stand behind that every day of the week.” It’s less Aaron Sorkin levels of dialogue and more what your middle school principal might say about vaping in the bathroom - but, sure.

But Hegseth made it clear he is not one of those Washington elites, and that’s what counts. “A lot of people come to Washington and just play the game… with the cocktail-sipping crowd,” he warned. Not him, though. Not him. OK, sure, he did once literally conduct a separate Fox News interview while sipping periodically from an entire bottle of champagne. But oh my God, that was one time!

The pièce de résistance came when Hegseth and Penley started crowing in unison about military recruitment. “Way up,” the Defense Sec claimed, while onscreen charts showed a gentle trickle of 8 percent to 12 percent increases over government-set goals. “We call it the Trump Bump internally,” he added, proudly. That small increase in people joining the military is “a reflection of a yearning from the American public” because — you guessed it — we’re back to WAR FIGHTING!

Asked whether the Deep State might be legitimately out to get him (yes, this was an actual question), Hegseth immediately responded that “they’ve come after me from day one.” It’s nothing compared to what Daddy Trump has endured, though: “What he’s endured is superhuman.”

“No, I haven’t blinked and I won’t blink,” Hegseth concluded. And honestly? I believe him. Blinking suggests vulnerability. Blinking is for civilians. Real patriots just stare into the middle distance until democracy submits.

The absurdity peaked when Penley wrapped up the interview by stating that he was “grateful to see the Hegseth Army in the Easter Egg Roll.” Because nothing screams “stable leadership” like sending your cult of personality to a children’s holiday event. I’m pretty sure this is what the Founding Fathers envisioned.

In the end, the entire performance was less about damage control and more about projecting sheer, high-octane alpha energy. National security was the backdrop. The real story was the vibe: unbothered, unaccountable and aggressively jacked. America First. Leaks Second. And if you so much as ask another question, libtard, he might just suplex you through a flagpole.

Please rise for a barbershop rendition of “God Bless the USA,” performed by a former Navy SEAL who know owns a very affordable gym franchise. Complimentary protein powder and Top Secret clearance lanyards available in the gift shop.