Confessions of an estate agent

Ian Briggs is a director at Dacre Son & Heartly in Ilkley

"Dogs are a constant source of entertainment for estate agents. Their behaviour can make or break a deal. On one occasion, my colleague Patrick and I had been requested to do a valuation of a large, old, four-storey house in Ilkley. After an initial chat, the lady of the house left us to our own devices.

"We were descending the main staircase into the hall, when a dishevelled-looking hound, whom we had not encountered during our tour of the house, suddenly appeared. Seeing two estate agents coming down his stairs was obviously too much for this dog, who let out a strange howl and promptly deposited a very large, steaming pile on what was a really rather attractive Victorian tiled floor.

"The dog departed as fast as he had appeared, leaving us to ponder how we were going to explain to the householder the presence of such an artefact. Before we had time to gather our wits, the householder, alerted by the commotion, entered the hall in her stockinged feet and, unfortunately, stepped in the mess. Her reaction was ever so slightly hysterical. With further rational discussion impossible, we took our leave and promised to call back. Needless to say, we did not get the house sale.

"A few months later, whilst walking up the long drive of a rather large Victorian residence, my partner was confronted by a huge, snarling Alsatian. He froze in terror and was contemplating his fate when a second-floor window of the house opened. The lady of the house bellowed in a very Home Counties accent: "Kick his balls!"

"My partner considered the practicality of this advice and correctly concluded that he would be risking substantial damage to himself from such a foolhardy manoeuvre. 'I can't – he's facing the wrong way,' he replied.

"'No, you silly man – the ones on the lawn!' the good lady shrilled in return. This time, the dog did not scupper the deal, and after blushes all round over the misunderstanding, my partner completed the valuation.

"Another close encounter with a canine determined to ruin all our hard work happened a few years later. A young couple arrived at a property to conduct a viewing. At the outer porch they came across a dog sitting on the steps. The couple reasonably assumed it to be the owner's dog. They rang the bell and as the owner opened the door, the dog shot into the house and promptly relieved itself on the carpet. The outraged owner, assuming that the dog belonged to the visitors, told them to leave forthwith and take their wretched animal with them. Great confusion reigned until it became clear that the dog in question was just a stray. Eventually, after apologies were accepted, the viewing proceeded.

Dacre Son & Heartly, 01943 600655