Ecological air of success

Steve Spartak pushes for the ozone-friendly Olympics in a clean, green world

Reclaim the Olympics Games now before it is too late and we cannot get to sleep. Stop this wastage of pure elements like gold, silver and bronze (except in Great Britain's case) and bring back events encompassing natural laws, like...

More drums! More drums!

To reclaim the Olympics, we must try to undermine the catastrophes inflicted upon our planet by Olympian disciplines. Fight the muscle-mad faster, plaster, master and mistress madness with these sports of gentler and environmentally friendly proportions.

Gardeners' Equestrian Time: Ask the questions that really matter, like how high is a hand.

Softball: Reclaim hardness.

Rowing: Free the skulls.

The Shot: Melt down the weighty burden.

Archery: Miss the target with your arrow and save a tree.

111 Hurdles: That extra one would cause chaos.

Water polo: Withdraw the mint-fluoridation process now (it causes mint ozone holes).

Shooting: Prevent the air from being shot and injured in the air pistol event.

Boxing: The rope is made from hemp, a natural fibre. Protest by standing in the way of the first punch.

Fencing: This denial of rambler's rights must be pulled down.

Epee: Stop this false feminisation of the EP world record.

Gymnastics: Stop this cruel jumping over poor Mr Pommel Horse by rescuing him from that prone position.

3,000m Steeplechase: A blood sport - have you ever been pricked by a steeple? Join the James Hunt Saboteurs and save a tyre.

Beach Volleyball: The ecologically vital sandworm is being driven from its home by this vacuous activity. Insert a lead weight into the ball and chuckle.

Javelin: Replace all implements with rubber facsimilies and save the earth from being punctured.

Sailing: Re-use material from car-boot sails only.

Swimming: Shades of elitism as aquanauts compete in pools filled with natural water from the Alps - free of all chemicals (especially chlorine).

Diving: A rung down the prestige ladder, with carbonated spring water filling the pool.