Football: The Sweeper - Just Imagine...

...what Nicolas Anelka's first words to his new manager John Toshack might have been.

n "Bonjour, John, have you met my brothers?"

n "Are you absolutely sure you can't stretch to pounds 70,000 a week?"

n "I also wanted to play for Swansea."

n "I'm told the Spanish press are kind to footballers. When shall I tell them I hate Madrid?"

For next week, The Sweeper invites you to imagine what a Premiership manager should say when asked by the authorities why he's kept pounds 40,000 from a Russian agent in a safe for a year. Addresses as above.