Smudger Smith: You are what you eat (unless you're Luis Suarez)

The Journeyman Pro

In a professional career spanning almost two decades, Simon "Smudger" Smith has played for over 67 clubs and has reinvented himself time and again, from poacher to goalkeeper.

If you believe the old adage that you are what you eat then we can assume Luis Suarez will be a Chelsea player next season. You have to feel sorry for the Liverpool PR team - even Jan Molby never tried to eat another player.

I once got in trouble for biting when playing across the city for Everton. Nowadays you can get all sorts of fancy shampoos infused with fruit and other things but in the mid ‘90s it was unheard of. Barry Venison was a very early adopter and he loved a particular brand’s coconut conditioner. I always get peckish by the 60th minute and, on this fated afternoon, I was absolutely starving when I got a whiff of Bazza’s flowing locks. Long story short, I got a red card and a mouth full of split ends.

Suarez will be out for ten games and one has to wonder if Ivanovic will get tight to his man the next time they play. I can’t imagine he’ll chance his arm.

It was quite a week for the Germans in the Champions League with both Bayern Munich and Borussia Dortmund now having 30.48 centimetres in the final. It’s fair to say that Barcelona got well and truly Mullered. I wonder if the Germans have a word for schadenfreude. It’s hard to see the Spanish teams recovering and I understand that German fans have already started to put their towels on the seats at Wembley.

Congratulations to Manchester United and Sir Alex Ferguson on winning the league. A blow for Man City but they’ll be pleased to see the trophy stay in Manchester at least. It’s an unprecedented 13 league title for Fergie (ignoring the other twelve).

Arsenal will hold a guard of honour for the champions but there is talk of fans facing the other way in anger at van Persie. This practice of turning away to show disgust isn’t new. There’s a band of fans in fluorescent jackets that seem to object to the action at every game I go to.