The week ahead: 13/12/2009

Today

And the winner is...The X-Factor. Expect a gazillion people to vote for Stacey (so my colleagues tell me) and line Simon Cowell's pockets while about eight people anoint Jenson Button as BBC Sports "Personality" of the Year. Meanwhile, snooker's Pukka Pies championship is getting very tasty in Telford.

Tomorrow

QPR are playing (at West Bromwich) and surely there's a good chance the "dream team" managerial duo of Flavio Briatore and Bernie Ecclestone will be in charge. Expect Naomi Campbell to start on the left wing.

Tuesday

The top-flight clash between Manchester United and Wolves is one for the traditionalists. The Johnstone's Paint Trophy semi-finals are for modern-day masochists.

Wednesday

The start of England's First Test in South Africa. The hopelessly confusing referral system will be used, so don't be surprised to see more umpires walking (à la Mark Benson) than batsmen.

Thursday

Wasps head for Bayonne in the Challenge Cup but, if there's a light shower, they probably won't want to play.

Friday

Swimming gets aggro with the Duel in the Pool in Manchester. Michael Phelps, who'd prefer it if it was Bong for a Gong, goes for the US against GB. At the Ally Pally, there will sadly be no Jim Bowen, Bully or dodgy caravan in sight, as the darts World Championships begin.

Saturday

No need for lame jokes. It's Man United at Fulham and Liverpool at Pompey. Simples.