The week ahead: 23/08/2009

Today

All of England, and probably the world, hopes for the right result from The Oval. If the Three Lions win, I'm going on my own one-man open-top bus parade around Trafalgar Square.

In football, Bristol City are at Cardiff – a goal will only be awarded against them if the referee actually proves the ball has burst their net. And I know one bloke who will definitely be at the Burnley-Everton game – go to pages 14-15 if you don't know what I'm on about.

Tomorrow

It's Harlequins' press day. I dare you to turn up dressed as a vampire with fake fangs.

Tuesday

There may be more members of the Metropolitan Police than fans at the Carling Cup clash between West Ham and Millwall. In the European Women's Championship, crowd trouble is unlikely as England play Italy.

Wednesday

Rugby league stages the "Carnegie floodlit nines" at Headingley. You shouldn't struggle for a ticket.

Thursday

It's a shame Andrew Flintoff is injured (again), because he could have had a crack at the record for the amount of cans drunk between London and Belfast as England play Ireland in a bizarrely scheduled ODI.

Friday

Jenson Button's in Belgium hoping for some very hot weather or else his poor little Brawn won't be able to go fast.

Saturday

The Big Four all play, with Arsenal at Old Trafford for the game of the season so far. Bolton host Liverpool and Chelsea entertain Burnley. In the Challenge Cup at Wembley, it's the, er, dream final: Huddersfield v Warrington.