Closed shop with window barred

Zurich Premiership: All that blood and sweat for nothing, but the need for change is pressing

In their heart of hearts Rotherham must have known that their application for membership of the Zurich Premiership was destined for the wastepaper basket. The Yorkshire club's response to meeting the criteria for promotion, so comprehensively earned on the pitch, was so inadequate it was barely worth the paper it was written on.

And the paper in question, according to Graeme Cattermole, chairman of England Rugby Ltd, consisted of not much more than five sentences. Nevertheless, the Board showed the document to their solicitors who duly confirmed that it did not represent a contract and had no legal standing. Francis Baron, chief executive of the Rugby Football Union, repeated, incredulously, that Rotherham had come up with nothing. Even though they accepted that their existing ground at Clifton Lane was not suitable for the Premiership, there was no deal in place for an alternative. The question of primacy of tenancy did not arise because Rotherham's expected move to United's Millmoor ground did not exist.

For the first time, independent auditors were employed to investigate the credentials of a contender and although the process dragged on for more than a month it was an exercise in overkill. A cursory inspection would have revealed that Rotherham were in no fit state to leave National League One.

Baron emphasised that he still didn't know where Rotherham would play next season and they had no "commercial, financial or operational plans". Despite this, Mike Yarlett, Rotherham's principal investor and the owner of a company called Yorkshire Windows, will receive a so-called parachute payment of £720,000, two thirds of which has to be spent on ground improvements. Considering that nobody seems to know where Rotherham intend playing (Oxford has been mentioned), payment, at the very least, should be suspended.

But then the Board, fearing a backlash against a decision that was bound to attract criticism, bent over backwards to appease the dissenters. "There have been suggestions that the RFU and the Premier clubs have conspired to ensure there is a closed shop within the Premiership," Cattermole said, "and that a delay in making the announcement has been deliberate so that the final matches in the league, particularly those involving clubs at the bottom, have been maximised to their full potential. No such action or conspiracy has taken place." Baron was being diplomatic when he described Rotherham's bid as "woolly".

At a press conference at Twickenham on Thursday, Cattermole, responding to accusations that spectators had been duped and conned, replied: "Of course it is a concern that the public have had the wool pulled over their eyes but people will read into it what they want." Indeed. When Baron was asked if he thought Rotherham really wanted promotion he gave a sigh that was so long it warranted a tape measure. "It is not for us to comment." Having seen the window of opportunity sealed and double- glazed, Yarlett was "saddened and disappointed". However, the Rotherham chairman accepted the decision. "We were fully consulted throughout the process and believe England Rugby conducted the matter in a professional manner," Yarlett said.

So all the blood, sweat and tears of recent weeks were for nothing. With Leicester wrapping up the Premiership with months to spare, the trapdoor scenario concentrated the hearts and minds of players and spectators alike. At least today's final Premiership matches will not be sold as cliffhangers. Leeds, bottom and one time favourites for the drop, meet Gloucester at Headingley and Bath play Wasps at the Recreation Ground with nothing more at stake than self-respect.

Nigel Melville, who has had mixed fortunes at Gloucester since taking over from Philippe Saint-André, could see his side move into second place if Sale slip up against Harlequins at Heywood Road. Having discovered a bonus point that had been lost in the system, Sale have 64 points, one more than Gloucester. As desperate as the campaign has been for Quins and Leeds, it has been even worse for Bath and not much better for Saracens.

Jon Callard, Bath blood in his veins, seemed to be the logical successor as coach to Andy Robinson, and his dismissal, when there was no suitable replacement, brought into question the judgement of Andrew Brownsword, chief executive and chief executioner. Aside from the victory over Leeds, Bath have reeled from crisis to crisis.

Needing a cool head, not to mention a new pack, the West Country club's signing of Cardiff hooker Jonathan Humphreys makes about as much sense as Saracens' recruitment of Craig Quinnell. On the other hand, as big under-achievers perhaps they deserve each other. Like Bath, Sarries parted company with their coach in mid-season. It did not do them much good although the appointment of Francois Pienaar in the first place was strange. What Pienaar and Zinzan Brooke, who took charge at Quins a couple of seasons ago, have in common is that they were both fine back-row forwards who had little or no coaching experience.

Mind you, time was when the same question mark sat next to Dean Richards and the former England No 8 has enjoyed nothing but success since being promoted in place of Bob Dwyer at Welford Road. Who else could sign Josh Kronfeld and then leave him on the bench? Saracens, a powder puff outfit compared to the Tigers, are now banking on another great back row man, Wayne Shelford, to turn the club around.

If Leicester are once again the team of the season, the dark horses who were ignored in the parade ring but have run a tremendous race are Sale and London Irish. Take a bow Jim Mallinder and the fanatical Brendan Venter. Brian Kennedy, the principal investor in Sale, has been tearing out what remains of his hair over his club's lack of box-office appeal. Pathetic is how he describes attendances in Cheshire, and you can see his point. If Jason Robinson, entertainer of the season, cannot put bums on seats, what is Kennedy to do? Hire Saatchi and Saatchi?

Deciding three days before the climax of the Premiership that there will be no relegation or promotion – if there had been a contingency plan Worcester could have filled Rotherham's boots and moved up – has not entirely removed the punchline from today's programme. The Zurich Championship, not to be confused with the Premiership, although that's easier said than done, starts next Saturday with teams one to four in the table getting home advantage against teams eight to five. The final is on 8 June.

There is also qualification for next season's Heineken Cup. England will have six clubs in Europe and as Leicester, Sale and Gloucester have already qualified, it leaves three others to be taken from the Premiership. It is of no concern to the likes of lucky Leeds and lucky Bath. As for Rotherham, they are "committed to winning our league next season and ensuring we satisfy the entry criteria." Yarlett said he was looking forward to working with England Rugby, who will help him devise a business plan. One up, one down will almost certainly be abandoned next year, which will suit whoever is promoted. Surprise, surprise.

That was the season that was

Try of the season

Austin Healey

Close call between Austin Healey and Jason Robinson. Against Harlequins at the Stoop, Healey popped up on the right wing. He was only a couple of feet from the touchline and in front of him was Dan Luger. For a second Luger was mesmerised and Healey skinned him on the outside. Breathtaking.

Punch of the season

Martin Johnson

If Martin Johnson wasn't such a formidable second-row forward he could be a heavyweight contender. Many British prize fighters have thrown fewer punches, witness his assault on Robbie Russell of Saracens, which led to a protracted debate on crime and punishment. Kept Russell in stitches.

Tackle of the season

Ace Tiatia

When it comes to the big hits not even Johnson is in the class of the South Sea Islanders. Trevor Leota, the Wasps hooker, is a man to be avoided at all costs but even he would have admired the tackle of Quins' Ace Tiatia on the Leeds full-back Jon Benson. It would have winded a shire horse.

Result of the season

Cotton Traders

The Rugby Football Union and Nike thought they had the copyright on the English Rose. Wrong. Fran Cotton, despite being a bigwig on the RFU, successfully defended the right of his company, Cotton Traders, to sell replica jerseys, complete with rose. Smells as sweet by any other name.