Cash or gifts this Christmas? Why the eternal struggle is so complex, according to experts

‘Giving gifts is actually a complex form of non-verbal communication, reflecting the relationship's underlying dynamics and health,’ one expert said

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Embarrassed to ask for or give cash as a present this holiday season? It’s a common worry among gift givers and receivers, and it’s one that psychologists and therapists say originates in something deeper than traditions.

“Giving gifts is actually a complex form of non-verbal communication, reflecting the relationship's underlying dynamics and health,” said Daren Banarsë, senior psychotherapist at UK-based IN Therapy. “On a surface level, a gift affirms the giver’s care and understanding. But on a deeper level, it can reflect subtle power dynamics.”

The tension of those dynamics increases as you wrestle with the emotions and thoughts surrounding cash as a gift - and there’s a very good reason behind those feelings.

The psychology behind cash and physical gifts

For some, choosing the perfect physical gift for a loved one or friend reflects more than what’s inside festive wrapping paper, Banarsë said. As such, the gift is more about your understanding of and connection with the recipient, not just crossing another name off your shopping list.

“Giving a physical gift is a gesture that shows the giver's knowledge of the receiver. It demonstrates the amount of effort they've taken to choose and buy the right one,” he said. “A well-chosen gift serves as proof that the giver sees, knows, and cares about the receiver's unique personality and preferences. It has sentimental value, tied to the memory of the giver and reminding them of their bond.”

’Cash can be experienced as functional; it allows choice and autonomy but is less emotionally attuned,’ one expert said ahead of the holiday season. (Alamy/PA)

Cash, on the other hand, doesn’t quite convey the same message.

There is no tedious tenure of thought about whether the recipient wants one color scarf over the other, no angel-and-devil discourse about why one gift expresses your love better than another, said clinical psychologist Sarah-Louise Hurst.

“Physical gifts can be symbolic of a giver who knows the recipient, understands their tastes or needs, and has invested effort,” Hurst told The Independent by email. “Cash can be experienced as functional; it allows choice and autonomy but is less emotionally attuned. It can feel impersonal if the thought behind the cash isn’t obvious to the recipient.”

Why cash as a gift is stigmatized

As Hurst noted, cash holiday gifts carry a stigma because they can come off as cold. A $100 Venmo transfer doesn’t quite pull at the heartstrings like a signed first edition of the book your sibling has wanted for years.

The emotional factor (or lack thereof) intensifies when you’re giving cash to close family members such as a partner, son or daughter, said John Puls, psychotherapist at Florida-based Full Life Comprehensive Care.

“When it’s someone that you’re very close to, such as your spouse or child, simply giving cash can feel cold and emotionless,” Puls told The Independent via email. “People often enjoy gifts that are special and unique to the person receiving them.”

‘On a surface level, a gift affirms the giver’s care and understanding. But on a deeper level, it can reflect subtle power dynamics,’ an expert noted (Getty Images)

And while cash can be a powerful gift in certain circumstances, it can feel insulting to someone who doesn’t really need it, said Lorain Moorehead, licensed psychotherapist at Lorain Moorehead Therapy and Consultation.

“Cash can be a very meaningful gift if the recipient has a need; it can be connection-challenging if they were to receive an expensive gift that they can’t use when they have financial needs,” she told The Independent in an email. “At the same time, it can feel demeaning to receive a cash gift when you have no financial needs.”

For Banarsë, cash’s stigma goes back to what it represents compared to a physical gift - the emotionless versus the emotional.

“Society tends to equate the value of a gift with the time, thought, and effort the giver has invested,” he said. “It’s seen as a treat or luxury … Cash, on the other hand, could be mistaken for taking minimal effort or not caring. Culturally, cash is used for impersonal transactions - paying rent or buying groceries.”

Want money? How to tactfully ask for cash

While a cash gift may not be wrapped in hours of scrolling through online stores and frantically combing through text messages for gift hints, it can serve an important purpose for those who need it, Hurst said.

“Cash can be empowering and maximize autonomy as the recipient can decide how to do it,” she said. “It can function really well for young adults or neurodiverse individuals who find working out what they would like, and managing the social interaction of receiving the gift, challenging.”

Recent data from a Wells Fargo holiday survey of 2,010 American adults supports Hurst’s claim. The survey found that nearly seven in 10 U.S. consumers like having cash as a gift because it lets them buy the presents they want.

If cash is on your wish list for the holidays, direct conversations with context can help ease anxiety and embarrassment (Getty Images for Pressed Juicery)

If you want to ask for cash this holiday season but are afraid to - 49 percent of adults say it feels “weird” doing so - there are ways to make your request tactfully. Hurst pointed out that passive approaches aren’t the best route; ask “directly if possible, stating your values and intention.”

Putting your request in context can help alleviate the awkwardness of a cash ask, Banarsë said.

“Try framing the request around a specific goal or purpose,” he said. “It could be about saving up for a house deposit or buying a laptop for your new business.”

Hurst gave another example of how context can help communicate your need.

“For example, ‘We are fortunate enough to have a flat full of all we need, but are hoping to go on holiday this year. If you are considering buying us a gift, we would love to put some money towards our holiday,’” she said.

If you’re still dealing with nerves, Banarsë said getting a relative to help make the request on your behalf can be an option.

“For the apprehensive, try getting your message across through a family member or close friend,” he said. “As long as it doesn’t sound like a demand, it should be taken well.”