A sorry way with apologies

I wonder if you can help me. I'll do my best. What's the problem?

Well, I have just received a rather puzzling letter from Japan and I can't make out what it means.

Is it from the prime minister of Japan?

Yes, it is. How on earth did you know that?

Oh, he's been writing to lots of people recently. What has he said to you?

Well, that's what I wanted to ask you. It doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. He says, "Hello! How are things in Britain? I hear you are having a good summer in your country, though you could do with a spot of rain. Good! It is always nice when you have sun at home, as this means you don't have to spend lots of money going abroad for your holidays." There's lots more like this in similar vein. He just goes on about the weather and lots of chit-chat, saying he really enjoys the rerun of `Steptoe and Son' on Japanese TV.

It all seems fairly straightforward. What exactly is the problem?

Well, I don't even know the man, and here he is, writing reams of small talk to me!

Ah! You're making a common error here. This may seem like small talk to you, but to a Japanese ear, this stream of banality spells a very different message. It means that the prime minister is nerving himself for a momentous statement. An apology, perhaps, or an admission, or something like that. The Japanese find it hard to come right out into the open and display their emotions, so they have to work up to it with ritualistic shadow boxing. You see, letter-writing or conversation with a Japanese is very much like sumo wrestling.

You mean you have to be 22 stone and grossly overweight before you can write a decent letter in Japan?

No. I mean that sumo wrestling is almost all quiet, thoughtful ritual. The actual moment of engagement and violence is over in a flash. Same with a letter from a Japanese. If you blink, you may miss the message. How does the letter go on?

Well, then he says: "I am glad that things are very happy between us now, even though it was not always so, which is a pity."

That's it! That was it!

What was it?

He was apologising for the Second World War!

When?

Just then. Read that bit again.

"I am glad that things are very happy between us now, even though it was not always so, which is a pity."

That's it! That's the official Japanese apology for the Second World War. He says things were not always so happy between Japan and Britain, meaning the last war, and he says it is a pity. My God - this is a historic document!

Is that an apology?

Well, by Japanese standards it is. By Japanese standards, that's pretty damn near to hara-kiri. That's a grovel if ever I heard one.

Yes, but he isn't actually saying he is sorry. He is saying it is a pity. That's different. All he is saying is that he wished things had been different.

Yes, you've got a point there. It's not exactly remorseful, is it?

Maybe he isn't apologising at all. Maybe he's actually saying that he is sorry that Japan lost the war.

How do you reckon that?

Well, if he is talking about the last war, then maybe when he says it is a pity, it means it is a pity that they lost. Maybe he wants us to apologise for winning. Maybe he wants us to apologise for dropping the bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Good God.

I mean, for a long time, the Japanese were doing very well in the war. Fighting on home ground, got the Brits on the run, overran Burma, Singapore, Thailand, occupied most of China, must have thought they were in with a good chance of coming out on top, or at least ending up with the whole of Asia under their thumb. But then, suddenly, it all fell to pieces for them. No wonder they feel sorry. They damned near won.

No, I don't think ...

You yourself said that they never came out in the open and said what they really felt. Or even said what they didn't really feel. So maybe what the Japanese prime minister is saying is, I'm really sorry we lost and that's all I'm sorry about! End of conversation.

No, I don't think so.

Well, how are we going to find out?

On the Internet.

On the Internet?

Sure. I've got an Internet number for Japanese apologies here. It's "e- mail NipSorrylineWWIIcheaperafter6pm" or something like that. I'll call them up.

Do let us know how you get on.

Sure. No problem.