It’s time we had a conversation about binge eating disorder

My determination to beat the compulsions to eat would give way to loneliness, despair and self-loathing. Food was the friend that never let me down

Binge eating disorder carries a stigma that must be broken (iStock)

I was 28 stone when I “came out” as having an eating disorder. The usual response from anyone not particularly close to me was a laugh or a fat joke.

My eating disorder left me looking the opposite of what people expected to see. Many people believe binge eating disorder is just an excuse for greed and it can’t be serious or dangerous like one of the other eating disorders. People dismiss it as comfort eating, like I am eating my way through a break up with ice cream. I can’t blame other people for not understanding – it isn’t an issue that has been discussed publicly in any depth. Yet it is that discussion, that sharing of a story or an experience, that is needed to change the stigma and to show people just how serious and dangerous it really is.

I can only speak for myself but if I hadn’t shared my story I would be dead now. It really can be that dangerous. I couldn’t walk from one end of the room to the other without sweating, aching and being out of breath.

It wasn’t greed. In fact I hated food and everything it was doing to me. But I was on a path of what felt like self destruction. Eating in front of other people wasn’t possible, so social situations were avoided and at work I would avoid eating. If I was to eat in front of other people I would never know which one of two things they would be thinking. If I was seen eating anything healthy then I was sure they would be thinking “he didn’t get that size on Ryvita and apples" and if ate anything a little higher in calories then I would know they would be thinking that somebody of my size shouldn’t be eating that.

My morning would start with an affirmation that today was the day I took my life back, broke the cycle and controlled my eating. A small breakfast to keep me going, and a ten hour day of work and commuting. My determination would give way to loneliness, despair and self-loathing. Food was the friend that never let me down. I could rely on food to be there at the end of a difficult day and it never judged me. The hunger that had built throughout the day mixed with every emotion flooded my mind and suddenly I was planning just one more binge. One last binge before I took control tomorrow.

The cycle was complete when I had eaten everything I had bought and often went looking for more. I never even tasted most of the food after the first mouthful, there was only a small window between the sheer relief and bliss of breaking my fast with a 10,000 calorie banquet before the guilt kicked in and took over.

When I was a teenager I spoke to my GP and was referred to many counsellors, groups and finally the eating disorder service. It wasn’t their fault that the majority of patients were female, but putting me in a group made up of anorexia and bulimia sufferers was not the best way to get me to open up and made me feel like a fraud. I was recommended Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and distraction techniques, and told if I had the urge to binge then perhaps I could take a walk, read a book or watch TV. By the time the urge kicks in, there is no amount of reading and walking that could stop it. 20 years later I am told this service is much improved.

Sharing my story and finally being honest allowed me to break the cycle and exert some control over my life. binge eating disorder isn’t something I will ever be free or cured from, but it is something I have learned to live with and once I shared my biggest secret with friends, family and anyone else who would listen, I was finally in a position where if I was hungry, I could eat in front of people. I could share my feelings if I was tempted to binge and rely on my support network to look after me while I addressed the issues that caused the binge eating disorder.

It isn’t a guaranteed fix or a cure all, but perhaps if society could see that it wasn’t just greed or laziness, then the stigma might be lifted and people could get the support and help they need and no longer feel judged for something they really have no control over.

If you have been affected by this article, you can contact the following organisations for support:
mind.org.uk
beateatingdisorders.org.uk
nhs.uk/livewell/mentalhealth
mentalhealth.org.uk
samaritans.org