Boers, biltong and wildebeest. Vive la mode sud-africaine]

Our television schedules are overcrowded at the moment with programmes about both South Africa and the Anglo- French connection, so I think it's only logical to end the log-jam with a television spectacular which wraps up South Africa and the French connection at the same time . . .

A television screen. Drumbeats are heard. Slowly the title rolls up. 'Afrique du Sud. Un Pays Qui Cherche l'Avenir. South Africa. A Country In Search Of The Future.' We see mighty plains full of wildlife in the distance - zebras, wildebeest, Afrikaner farmers . . . Into the foreground strides Antoine de Caunes.

Antoine de Caunes: 'Ello, my little Euro-listeners] Lovely to see you again] And 'ere we are in the Afrique du Sud or Sous Africa, as you call eet. You see all zis veldt behind me, zis endless rolling landscape? Zere is a word for zis. It is boring.'

Cut to shots of black man asleep, snoring. Antoine comes back in frame. 'Yes, Sous Africa is one of ze many countries in ze world which were too boring or too far away for ze French to colonise. You know, zis is one big difference between you and us. Colonisation must always be fun, no? Zat is what ze French zink. So how could you possibly settle in a country where ze mega-boring Dutch have arrived in numbers? Am I right, Jean Paul?'

A nearby zebra peels back its stripy skin to reveal the unmistakable shape of Jean Paul Gaultier.

Jean Paul: 'Tout a fait, Antoine. 'Ave you ever had Dutch neighbours? Zey are not a barrel of giggles, I can tell you. By ze way, I like your leather short trousers very much.'

Antoine: 'Zank you, Jean Paul. Zey have been the fashion here in Sous Africa now for over 200 years. Zat is how fast fashion changes in an old English colony.'

Jean Paul: 'As a mattar of interest, who came first, ze Dutch or ze English?'

Antoine: 'Zat sounds like ze opening to a naughty riddle . . .'

Jean Paul: 'Non, c'est une question serieuse, je t'assure . . .'

Antoine: 'Ze Dutch arrived first, zen ze English. But zey both pretended ze other wasn't there. Zey hadn't been introduced to each other, you see.'

Jean Paul: 'Mon Dieu. So when ze Boer War broke out . . .'

Antoine: 'Yes, ze whole campaign was fought in absolute silence. Zey were too embarrassed to say anything. Extraordinaire, n'est-ce pas?'

Cut to the exterior of a small bar where Pete McCarthy is toying with a pint of lager and what looks like a small strip of leather.

McCarthy: 'This thing I am chewing on is called 'biltong'. That comes from the Afrikaans word meaning, 'meat left out in the sunshine for a year or two till someone suddenly remembers they never brought it in again'. It's not unlike what the British called pemmican. Pemmican was dried meat which was so awful that successive British expeditions took it all the way to the South Pole just to bury it there and leave it. To the average Boer, however, it became a way of life, and to this day South Africa is the only country in the world where, when you pick up a bit of leather, you don't know if you're meant to wear it or eat it. I can't help feeling things would have been different if the French had colonised the place.'

Enter Keith Floyd in a rush, holding a saucepan . . .

Floyd: 'Sorry I'm late, my little gastronauts - my hangover failed to awake me in time. Now, South African cuisine is famous for one thing above all else, and while I try to remember what it is, why don't we have a glass of wine? Close-up, please, Trevor.'

Camera goes in tight on Floyd's saucepan full of red wine, as he starts sipping it. Cut to Nelson Mandela.

Mandela: 'So, to sum up, would life be different if we had been enslaved by the French? Well, I really think it would have been, in at least one respect. I would not have been named after the man who beat the French at the Battle of Trafalgar. No, it is much more likely I would have been named after the admiral who commanded the French navy at Trafalgar, and today the first black president of South Africa would be Villeneuve Mandela.'

Cut to Antoine de Caunes

Antoine: 'Villeneuve? I have never heard of him. Makes you zink, doesn't it? Next week, we'll be looking at some really naff night-clubs in Durban, won't we, Jean Paul?'

A passing hartebeest wearing black suspenders turns and winks at the camera, then gallops into the distance. Music - La Marseillaise. Credits. New South African flag rolls out. End. Fin. . . .