Sketch: Have you heard the one about the corrupt civil service? This Brexit Minister has but he's definitely not saying it's true

Steve Baker was happy to confirm he had heard some 'extraordinary allegations' but was not for a second suggesting they were true

Steve Baker did not say the extraordinary allegations were 'essentially correct', merely it was 'essentially correct' that he had heard them (Parliamentlive.TV)

Two days ago the civil service was merely pointless. Now it’s actively malevolent. On Tuesday, Junior Brexit Minister Steve Baker was called to the despatch box of the House of Commons to explain how his own department’s leaked Brexit documents showing every possible Brexit outcome to be economically damaging were “wrong”, because economic forecasts are “always wrong”.

On Thursday morning, with Davis Davis, Steve Baker and the rest of the Brexit ministers back at the despatch box, it turns out they are in fact not wrong merely because they are “always wrong” but because they are part of a civil service plot to bring down Brexit.

Woah woah woah! That’s not what he said. That is not what he said. Let’s rewind.

In fact, what happened, is Jacob Rees-Mogg asked Steve Baker if he would “confirm that he heard” the civil service is trying to undermine Brexit.

Now, Baker might have drawn a deep breath, put on a troubled expression and replied, “Yes, that is essentially correct”, but at that point David Davis winced with such intensity that the corners of his mouth appeared to meet at the nape of his neck and suddenly everything changed.

David Davis will happily pretend that Brexit economic analysis has been done in “forensic detail”, which turns out to be “forensic” right down to the fact that fishing is “concentrated in coastal towns”.

David Davis will gladly claim on live television that outside the EU, the UK will join a free trade area larger than planet earth.

But even he will not go so far as to question the independence and neutrality of the civil service.

But wait. Wait wait wait. Steve Baker was not saying the civil service was trying to undermine Brexit. He was merely confirming he had heard the civil service was trying to undermine Brexit, a piece of information his friend and fellow Brexiteer Jacob Rees-Mogg had happened to stumble upon, and was glad to raise at this opportune time.

He was not questioning the independence of the civil service, as “unnamed” Brexit ministers, of which there are four, are regularly reported to do in private. To do so would be an “extraordinary allegation” and one that he was not making.

As chance would have it, I happen to have heard the allegation from several people that, when asked to explain what motivates him to remove the UK from the European Union, Steve Baker will, on occasion, undo one of his shirt buttons, kiss the crucifix around his neck and declare, “It’s for him! Brexit is for him!”

I am not for a second suggesting this is true. I am merely prepared to confirm I have heard it.

Yes, if Jacob Rees-Mogg were to ask me if I had heard that Steve Baker kisses his crucifix when asked why he is a Brexiteer, I would have no choice but to draw a deep breath, put on a troubled expression and reply: "That is essentially correct."

But I would not be saying it is true. There is a distinct difference between the two things and any attempt to muddy the water between would be so cravenly transparent as to make me look ridiculous. And I, like Steve Baker, would never do such a thing.