Captain Moonlight: The Captain's Catch-Up Service

BEEN away on holiday? Missed the news? Never mind, let the Captain's Catch-up do the talking.

John Wayne Bobbitt wants the world to know his manhood is back in order. He is revealing all in a hard-porn movie . . . If knives don't frighten you, how about guns? Bullet-proof duvets have gone on sale to Americans who are scared of being shot in bed by intruders . . . It's not a duvet that Michael Jackson needs, but 60 pairs of underpants a month. His maid Blanca Francia told a grand jury in California the pop star had an incontinence condition . . . Brighton Football Club is to call upon its players to get rid of the foxes that are digging up the pitch. The club has been advised to put human urine around the touchline . . . French tourist Claude Boucher became a human pin-cushion when he fell 65ft on to a giant cactus. It took doctors at San Pedro three hours to remove the thorns. But the cactus saved Boucher's life . . . The heat in Tel Aviv has raised the ire of Rabbi Moshe Bitan, who says that women who roll their sleeves up give husbands grounds for divorce. On the grounds of immodesty . . . A raider in Sao Paulo, Brazil, robbed a restaurant armed with a giant cockroach. When the cashier fled screaming, he took pounds 200 from the till.