Cooper Brown: He's Out There

'We only put top-end stuff on the wedding list. It's a great way to worm out the cheapskates'

The Cooperman is incredibly happy at the moment. Everything seems to be going my way and why shouldn't it? Victoria and I have finally agreed on a wedding date (July 5th 2008) and it's gonna be a huge affair. The Himmlers have agreed to host it at their country estate so we are going to have the biggest wedding that Wiltshire's ever seen.

Even better, Mr Himmler (Pops) is going to foot the whole bill. I don't think the old idiot has a clue what he's let himself in for. I'm going to get my whole posse flown over from LA – time to really show them just how well I've done over here. I'm literally going to be aristocracy. I'm probably going to be in line for your throne... imagine, King Coop. It's got a good ring to it actually. If we have another kid, maybe I'll call him King. King Brown, no, wait, maybe Lord Brown? What's the deal with that? Can I just change my name to Lord Brown and everyone has to deal with it? How do I know that half of Ben's friends didn't just take a trip down to their attorneys and get it done? I'm going to need proof from now on. I bet you most of them are faking it.

I could ring The Ivy. "Hello, can I book a table for two for Lord Brown?" I'd be right up at the top table with Madonna. I was actually in The Ivy on Monday night. It was quiet but I got chatting to a couple of hot chicks that were big fans of my column (so to speak). I love The Ivy – there's nowhere more LA in London. The food actually sucks a bit, it's all what Hugo calls "school food" but it's networking heaven.

I took DC and Sam there a couple of weeks back and my kudos with the staff has shot up ever since. DC was quite nervous and strangely starstruck when we met a woman called Carol Decker who used to be in a band called T'Pau. I'd never heard of her but DC got really excited as he liked a song by them called "China In Your Hands". Sam had to calm him down after a while and kind of shoo this ageing ginger singer away as it was starting to look seriously uncool. Sam is as hot as ever and very flirty with me, she should come out in public more, it's really good for his image and makes him less gay. As we left, Hugh Grant walked in and I introduced him to DC and Sam and they both went a bit gushy. I'm like a frickin' social kingmaker right now and it feels good.

First thing Victoria wanted to do once we'd agreed on the wedding date was go to Harvey Nichols, a huge store near Sloane Square, and get the wedding list sorted out. That's why I love this woman. We don't need anything as between us we've pretty much got it all. This is the joy of the wedding list, I'm beginning to realise. It's a way of getting your friends to buy you all the shit that you don't need but really want – things by Alessi, hyper-expensive quilts, dumb washroom shit, etc. The woman who took us round asked us if we wanted to do a graded list with expensive, medium and cheap gifts on it? We both refused the offer and have only put really top-end stuff in the list. It's a great way to worm out the cheapskates in your entourage.

I really want to go to California for the honeymoon and look up some old buddies and then drive all the way up north. It's going to be really cool and we can leave H-F here so I might even get a bit of action – all on Pop's expense account – should have got married earlier. The one thing we haven't decided is whether we have a church wedding. Apparently there's an old one right next to the estate that all the family have got married in since 1624.

I want a humanist wedding. I went to one in Venice when I was working with Dennis Hopper. It was totally cool and you could make up your own vows and say whatever you want. The groom at the one I went to was a total whackjob and in his vows he was saying about how his bride-to-be wouldn't have to look after him if he overdosed but if she got Aids he could leave her – all very specific shit but much more realistic. I don't really know what kind of religion humanists follow but it was totally cool. Maybe I'll convert? As long as I don't have to give all my tax-free cash away then I'm cool. Any humanists out there, write me and let me know.

I'm on Facebook now. My good friend, the shy and retiring Toby Young, hooked me up to it and it rocks!! He says that MySpace is for chavs so I've jumped ship. I love Toby, he's a lot like me, but British. He got stitched up by a TV programme that tried to get info on him from his Facebook page by becoming a fake friend (like there's any other type?). It's not like he wouldn't tell you anything anyway!! You're either a totally secretive type of celeb or you're an open book. Me, I'm flat open with the spine bent. Come and join me, I need more friends than Toby. By the way, I'm going to have a competition next year and the three winners can come to my wedding. How cool will that be?! Cooper Out.

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