Cooper Brown: He's Out There

'A red mist descends over me and I throw a glass of wine over Trinny and then punch her in the face'

Coop's in deep doo-doo again. It's all the fault of that Trinny woman off the TV. Since Victoria and I have got back together she's been totally not into it and keeps giving me the attitude.

This week it all came to a head. I was supposed to be meeting Victoria for lunch at our favourite café in Westbourne Grove. I turn up, late as usual, and there's a message for me. This Italian waiter dude gives it to me like I'm some sort of low-life. He says: "The lady she go with man and woman to P2."

This is an ultra-hip, invite-only place where you can have meals but only if you're invited in. They don't advertise and it's all real hush-hush. I love the concept but I was supposed to be eating there once with Ben and he didn't show and they wouldn't let me in so I had a huge argument with the guy on the door. I haven't been back since Victoria knows this and so I was really pissed at her for going there and making me have to grovel at the door. Even worse, she must have gone there with Trinny as she's always in there. I was angry and hungry, a bad combination for me.

###SIDEBAR-HERE###

I get to the place, a nondescript town-house just off one of the big W11 squares. There at the door is the same asshole who wouldn't let me in last time. I take a deep breath, smile and walk in. The guy puts his arm out and stops me.

"Sorry, sir. Invites only, I'm afraid."

I try to remain calm. "I'm having lunch here with my fiancée, Victoria?" I look all casual but I'm really seething.

"Sorry, sir, nobody here by that name."

He smiles like a gay lizard and almost pushes me out of the way to let some Russian guy in. I try to follow but he stops me again.

"I'm with... Trinny." I hate even saying this but it's the only way. He stops for a second and then tells me to wait. He goes in and comes back three minutes later with a mocking Trinny in tow.

"I shouldn't let you in really," says the dreadful woman, "I've just introduced Tory to a far more suitable chap – better-looking, richer and not a total snake like you." I bite my lip, smile and follow this rake on heels into the building. I get to the table to find an already tipsy Victoria laughing like a drain at a story that this floppy-haired yuppie bum is telling her. I sit down without saying anything and he totally blanks me. Victoria looks at me quickly like this is all my fault. I order a vodka and look round the room. It's full of assholes.

Trinny butts her skinny nose in. "Cooper, Orlando has just made his first 50 million and he's having a huge party on his boat in Menton in April. You're not invited, by the way, but Tory and I are going." Orlando looks at me with that über-rich arrogance and smiles a perfect enamelled smile. Trinny looks at me for a reaction. I play it cool and look at the menu, I'm not hungry, I'm too angry. I order the aubergine, not because I want it, but because it gives me something to do.

"Orlando says that Tory is like his ex-girlfriend..." I snap. I see a red mist descend over me and I'm almost watching from high above as I get up, throw a glass of wine over Trinny and then punch her hard in the face. Orlando gets up and grabs me and we start rolling around on the floor, the table and chairs are going everywhere. Tory is screaming and Trinny is lying on the floor holding a napkin to her bloody nose. I have honestly gone totally berserk and I have the power of 100 men. I grab Orlando by his floppy hair and smash his face into the floor twice. Then the door dude grabs me and holds me in an armlock until the police come. I get put in the back of a van and they take all my stuff, even my shoelaces and I'm covered in blood and it's a total headfuck.

I spend the night in a police cell that I share with a man who has just burgled an apartment three streets down from the Cooperdome. He has the shits and spends all night crapping into the open toilet of our cell. I have to stuff my bloody shirt into my mouth to stop from gagging.

I'm let out the next day but am going to court for assault on Trinny. I'm hoping that I get a normal jury as they might just let me off under the "justifiable" thing. Victoria has not moved out, which is good news. She gave me such an earful when I got back but I think that secretly she quite liked me fighting over her and we had great sex. I'm not allowed within 200 yards of Trinny which, as you can imagine, is like heaven. Victoria is calling me Muhammad (as in Ali) and even Hugo rang to congratulate me. I quite like being a street-fighting man but I have a feeling that the court won't be too sympathetic. Ben tells me that I'll get a caution and a fine. That would be OK. I'd actually put a deposit down if I could have a couple more swings at her... Got to go, Pablo is here. Cooper Out.

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