I divulge the diverse diets of the Hollywood stars

Weight-conscious cineastes have been silently digesting the information that Harvey Weinstein, the boss of Miramax, who weighs in at 18 stone, is going on a diet. Not just any old Weightwatchers slimming course, but the Atkins diet, the one in which you cut out carbohydrates completely (no bread, cereal, pasta, pizza or, in consequence, any fun) and eat only protein, making your breath smell like two hundred-weight of condemned asparagus.

This is a sorry climb-down for a man whose most famous gastronomic feat hitherto was to eat several agents for breakfast, and whose only previous experience of cutting down was to bully Martin Scorsese into shaving 20 minutes off Gangs of New York. Nobody as large and exuberant as Harvey should have to follow somebody else's programme, cause or meal regimen. Sod the Atkin's Diet. What's Harvey been eating all these years to make him such a tough player? Wouldn't you like to know how he and other Hollywood giants keep their spectacular figures? Don't you wonder a minute longer...

The Harvey Weinstein Diet

Breakfast: Steak, pork, lamb, chicken, home fries, eggs. Lunch: Tagliatelle all'alfredo, pizza napoletana, sausages, mashed potatoes, beans, gravy, biscuits, crème caramel. Dinner: Ben & Jerry's ice-cream, bread, butter, dough, lard. (Deep breath.) Then steak, pork, lamb, chicken etc until full. Not to be eaten, under any circumstances: rocket salad, balsamic vinegar.

The Liza Minnelli Diet

Breakfast: Utterly divine tray of fabulously exotic fruits, darling; paw-paws, mangoes, ugli fruit, served in bed and scattered simply all over the place. Huge helpings of absolutely explosive Rice Krispies, crackling and popping like anything, lashings of dark and sexy rich coffee with great slabs of toast positively slathered with really thick, sticky marmalade. Elevenses: Don't be ridiculous, darling, I couldn't eat a thing. Lunch: Spaghetti bolognese. Because I really only care for the simple things in life. Children's voices. Wild flowers. Nail varnish. Teatime: Totally extravagant, over-the- top strawberry gateau in crazily wild and gaudy spun-sugar extravaganza. With cream. Dinner: Steak, darling. Insanely juicy, divinely charred, completely decadent and so terribly me. Lots of potatoes (they remind me of my husband).

The Clint Eastwood Diet

Breakfast: Grits. Slim panatella. Elevenses: Cheroot. Chewing tobacco. Lunch: Stew. Afternoon tea: Shot (1 unit) red-eye. Corona y corona. Dinner: Steak. Beans. Before retiring: Hamlet.

The Nicole Kidman Diet

Breakfast: Basket of very pale breads. Blanched fruit. Tall skinny latte. Elevenses: Very tall (and very talented) stick of celery. Lunch: Exceptionally pale poached chicken breast with string beans. Tall glass Evian water. Teatime: Cherry cake. Rich, fruity and fetchingly red on top. Dinner: Poised roast trout with extremely glittering eye.

The Marlon Brando Diet

Breakfast: Big Mac with extra Big Mac and side order of Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Coffee. Elevenses: Three Burger King Whoppers. Chunky fries with bacon bits. Banana milk shake. Lunch: KFC family dustbin (20pcs). Two boxes Dunkin' Donuts. Raspberry Slush Puppy. Teatime: Tea. Also six boxes Fondant Fancies, four bags Jammy Dodgers, five packs crumpets, two croissants, cucumber sandwich. Dinner: Pan-fried Tournedos Rossini in a port-wine sauce with Madeira shallots, New potatoes and seasonal legumes. Château Pichon-Lalande '87. Colombian coffee. Petit fours. Armagnac.

The Calista Flockhart Diet

Breakfast: Toothpaste (not swallowed). Elevenses: Small diet water. Lunch: Grilled breast of chicken with green salad (not eaten). Tea: Rice-cake sandwich (regurgitated). Dinner: Small stick Wrigley's Juicy Fruit (licked only).

The Colin Farrell Diet

Breakfast: I dunno. Where the fock am I anyway? Oh, anythin' on Room Service. Elevenses: 20 Bensons. Packet of Tayto's crisps. Lunch: Pretzel from street vendor. Hot dog from street vendor. Burger from street vendor (with onions). Teatime: Potato cakes in Mrs McGinty's Oirish Tayrooms. Pint of Guinness. OK then, three pints. Dinner: Popcorn at screening with Trixxie O'Slapper. Four pints Murphy's. Lamb shish from Abrakebabra. Half-btl Jameson's. Anti-emetic pills from Superdrug. And whatever you're having yerself.