And for my next trick

'Clinton is out on the conference trail with his popular lecture, "How to tell Lies as Big as Jeffrey Archer's and still be President of the US" '

It is amazing how people get into the news and stay there, day after day, until you think they are a permanent fixture. Then, suddenly, they vanish. What, for instance, happened to Keith Vaz? Where has Peter Mandelson got to? And Mo Mowlam? And what on earth is Michael Barrymore up to these days? Well, we all know that Michael Barrymore is having intensive swimming lessons, actually, but you get the idea.

So now, once again, we ask the big question: Where Are They Now?

William Hague

William Hague and Sebastian Coe, old rivals on the gym floor, have formed a wrestling double act and are touring the traditional fairgrounds of Britain in their own booth. They take it in turns to lose. Sometimes, they both lose.

Imelda Marcos

Mrs Marcos is working on a film version of the life of herself and her husband, the late president of the Philippines, to be called "The Incredible Marcos Story". She is not appearing in the film, nor is she helping with the script, as her memory is now thought to be unreliable, but she will be given a credit as Shoe Consultant. She has agreed not to be paid as long as she can keep all the shoes used in the film, and thus start her collection all over again.

Osama bin Laden

Mr bin Laden has taken time off from terrorism for the time being and has gone into local politics. He is in fact a local councillor in a large town in Surrey, where he is putting forward undiluted Taliban policies. The other councillors think he is merely an unusually inexperienced Lib Dem and are taking very little notice.

The Pope

The Pope, in his own humble way, has lived so long that he is hoping to become the first Catholic saint to be sanctified before his death. He reasons that criticism of his unwillingness to resign may be quietened if he is a living saint and therefore too holy to be criticised. The fact that he has lived so long already may also be accepted as the miracle he needs to achieve sainthood. At the moment – this very moment, right now – he is praying for Poland to do better in the next World Cup, but then, remember that he prayed hard for them to do well in the last one as well...

Rory Bremner

Rory Bremner has recently come close to a nervous breakdown trying to work out a good imitation of Iain Duncan Smith. He reckons that he does actually now have a good one, but unfortunately, nobody can either recognise it or stay awake till the end of it.

Margaret Thatcher

Margaret "Baroness" Thatcher has moved in as housekeeper and paid companion to an elderly South American dictator, Augusto "General" Pinochet. General Pinochet can no longer look after himself, so Mrs Thatcher runs around all day making sure that he gets what he needs. She says: "I owe everything to the General. If it had not been for him, I would never have been able to win the war between us and... Well, I forget who it was between now, but it seemed quite important at the time."

Bill Clinton

Ex-president Bill Clinton is, as always, out on the conference trail somewhere with his ever-popular lecture, "How to tell Lies as Big as Jeffrey Archer's, and Still be President of the United States".

John Major

John Major is cycling down a quiet English lane, as the shades of night start to fall across the autumn fields, full of golden corn. He will soon come to an ancient village where the year's last game of cricket is being played on a green beside a venerable pub, but before he gets there, he will have to negotiate a tricky crossroads half-hidden by lime trees – just a moment. What's happening here? Oh, my God! Watch out for that car coming too fast out of the side turning! It's being driven by a woman who looks remarkably familiar – yes, it's Edwina Currie! If she's not careful, she's going to run right into...

Edwina Currie

Edwina Currie is helping the police with their inquiries.