Lawsuits at 30,000ft

'Doctors are so scared of getting sued that they no longer respond to the captain's plea. Even bogus doctors are refusing to volunteer'

When a once-local airline like British Midland grows up and becomes British Midland International, it inherits certain new problems. Having to find longer feature films, for instance. Having to throw drunken passengers off. Having to design food trolleys that are almost but not quite wide enough to let passengers desperate for the loo past. Having to deal with people who get really ill on long flights...

Well, it seems that they have already tackled this last one. There was a chap from BMI on Radio 4 the other day saying that they are instituting a new in-flight medical check-up machine. If a passenger falls about groaning and saying he feels terrible and he's not just a rock star with withdrawal symptoms, then the cabin staff will be able to clamp this metal robot doctor on to him, which will give an electronic read-out of his condition.

Which will be read in a medical centre in Texas somewhere. I think the BMI chap said it was Austin. Let's say it was Austin, anyway. Houston gets far too much airtime. So in Austin, Texas, there is a doctor on duty the whole time, who can give an instant analysis of the passenger's condition, so that when the stewardess says, "Hello, Austin, we have a 40-year-old man complaining of chest pains, what do you think?", Austin will say, "Well, it looks from here as if he's got his earphones on too tight."

No, he won't say that, because doctors never make jokes about patients. He'll say, "Hmm... It's not a heart attack, because his heart condition's all right... more likely to be indigestion. Nothing to worry about, but give me another call if it gets worse."

And why are BMI instituting this state-of-the-art, multimillion pound gizmo? Because, according to the BMI chap, real live doctors travelling on international flights no longer come forward when requested. We have all been on long-distance flights when the captain has come on the intercom and said: "If there is a doctor on board, could he come and help us out, please?", and almost always there has been one or more serious-looking people get to their feet and wander up to the front of the plane. Doctors have a sense of duty, you see, even when off-duty. It is probably part of the Hippocratic oath... "And do you also swear that when you are on an aeroplane and the captain calls for the help of a doctor, that you will volunteer for this thankless task, and not mind being stared at by hundreds of other passengers?"

No longer. Doctors are now so scared of getting involved in lawsuits if things go wrong that they no longer respond to the captain's plea. Things are so bad that even bogus doctors are refusing to volunteer. And that is why BMI now think it is safer to install a robot doctor who will communicate direct to a man in Texas, who is properly insured.

Well, I now realise that I saw this coming years ago. There was a time when I was a member of the cabaret group Instant Sunshine, the other members of which were doctors (one paediatrician, one venereologist and one all-rounder). We were flying to America together when the call came over the intercom. "If there is a physician on board, could he make himself known to the cabin crew? We have a case of illness on board. Nothing serious, but if he could hurry..."

I was sitting pretty. I had no less than three doctors with me. I turned round to summon them. They had all vanished, sinking beneath the tops of their seats. "Come on lads!" I urged. "This is your big chance."

No way, they grumbled. This is an American plane. If we get things wrong, we'll be sued for malpractice. Can't risk our career, etc, etc. Finally I persuaded one of them to go to the rescue and off he gloomily went. He came back five minutes later, looking relieved.

"What was it?" I asked.

"Oh, just a child, having a fit of some kind," he said.

"What kind of fit?"

"I don't know. An American rheumatologist got there first."

"And what did he diagnose?"

"Well, rheumatism, of course!"

There's doctors for you. That's why I am glad that BMI is making it impossible for doctors like Instant Sunshine to get involved any more. Incidentally, I am also glad that our man didn't get there before the rheumatologist. Because he was the venereologist.