Miles Kington: It's yearning for learning that's got Melvyn turning

National Poetry Day came and went when I was away, so belatedly I bring you this folk classic which I once collected in the Lake District, called "Old Bragg's Ballad"...

Lord Bragg of Cumbria

Was a clever old bloke

Who wrote clever novels

And knew clever folk

* * *

Who said clever things

When he asked them to go

On that cleverest of programmes,

The South Bank Show.

* * *

But Lord Bragg of Cumbria

Was also aware

That there's no point being clever

If there's no one out there.

* * *

You can say all you like

About science and art

But if nobody's listening

It's not worth a fart.

You can utter pure wisdom

On art and on science

But none of it works

If you haven't got clients.

* * *

So Lord Bragg of Cumbria

He swore a great oath

That he would preach art

And science – yes, both! –

* * *

Aloud from the rooftops

Or soft, if need be,

And so he went straight

To the dear BBC

* * *

To knock very humbly

Upon the big door

Of the big, fat controller

Of Radio 4,

* * *

To ask for a strand,

Or a niche, or a slot,

From which he could

broadcast

All the knowledge he'd got

(And if his knowledge

Of something was rough,

He'd bring in some experts

Who did know their stuff.)

* * *

"I see," said the Head

Of Radio 4

"And what kind of subjects

Are you aiming for?"

* * *

"Erasmus and Voltaire

And Blake," said the Lord,

"And Leibnitz and Bacon

And Ford Madox Ford

* * *

And why the heavens

Appear to us blue,

And all of the sciences

And alchemy too!"

* * *

"Ah – like A-level revision!"

Said the Radio Fourlord.

"To stop older listeners

From getting too bored!"

Lord Bragg of Cumbria

Grew red in the face

And up and down furiously

Began to pace.

* * *

"These are not study notes!

This is not a crash course!

This is knowledge, pure knowledge,

From the purest of source!

* * *

This is learning for serious

– We are not playing games!

No BritArt or Will Self,

Or even Clive James!

* * *

Just unknown professors

And experts galore

Explaining it all,

With me to the fore..."

* * *

"Stop, stop!" said the man

From Radio 4.

"Just go away and do it,

And disturb me no more."

Yes, Lord Bragg of Cumbria

By the nine gods he swore

That the people of Britain

Should stay ignorant no more.

* * *

For years they had wallowed

Like purposeless swine

But now every Thursday

At three minutes past nine

* * *

On Radio 4

Right after the news

Lord Bragg and his experts

Would simply refuse

* * *

To let them still wallow

In primeval slime

And listen instead

To In Our Time...

It was at about this point, unfortunately, that the battery on my recorder ran out. If anyone knows the end of this spirited ballad, I would be glad to hear from them.