The pick of the pundits

'The old Iraqi hand has lived in Baghdad for years, but you realise that he knows nothing about politics or Saddam. He won't be used again'

How good are you at spotting the modern war expert? When the TV news comes on, and the pundits come steaming out of the skies to interpret it all for you, can you tell one from another? If not, here is a quick'n'easy spotter's guide to Gulf War pundits.

The former Gulf War leader

Absolute top brass. Went through the last Gulf War in charge of pretty well everything. Knows all the problems involved. Involved in fighting last Gulf War, anyway. Now retired, but keeps in touch with present top brass. He knows everything that's going on. At least, he knows everything that he is told. He doesn't know how much his old mates aren't telling him. But he's a good chap. Feel you are in safe hands.

The former Gulf War officer

Absolutely reliable chap, albeit with occasional slight twitch. Went through all the last Gulf War and resigned afterwards, on the grounds that nothing so exciting would ever happen to him again. Now it is happening again, and he's not in it. But he knows all about what's happening, even if not at the very top level. He is incredibly boring on night vision, remote bomb targeting etc etc.

The former commando

He was there last time, and marched through the desert, and got lost, and got found, and was captured, and escaped, and wrote a novel based on it, which made a lot of money, which he has now spent, so he'll be glad to drop in and tell you what it's like to go through the desert, and get lost, then found, etc etc etc.

Sandstorm expert

This professor knows all there is to know about the behaviour of sand in mobile air currents. Trouble is, he can't tell you. At least, not snappily. When asked if sandstorms will hold up tank progress, he will say, "Well, it all depends how you define a sandstorm," and five minutes later will be saying, "And then there's the double-helix sandstorm..."

The editor of Jane's Thingies

Programmes always seem very clever when they get hold of an editor of Jane's Fighting Foot Soldiers, or whatever, but did you know that there are actually more than 500 different Jane's Guides? And thus hundreds of editors available for interview? There's Jane's Guided Missiles, Jane's Unguided Missiles, Jane's Heat-seeking Missiles, Jane's Publicity-shunning Missiles, Jane's Non-anti-Semitic Missiles, Jane's Unexploded Missiles From The Last War...

The Gulf War syndrome expert

Last time around everyone got Gulf War syndrome, caused by being given medication in advance to stop anyone getting syndromes. This time nobody is saying much about it. But what is the truth? The expert will tell us. This is either someone from the last war, who will be very gloomy, or someone from the MoD, who will be very upbeat.

An old Iraqi hand

He has lived in Iraq for years and years. Doing business there. He knows Baghdad backwards. And the countryside. And the people. He loves the people. They are splendid people, the Iraqis. Wonderful... As you listen to him you realise he knows nothing about politics, or Saddam, or the military. Only about the old market round the corner from where he lived in Baghdad. He probably won't be used again.

Post-war reconstruction expert

Iraq is going to be a mess when the fighting is finished, so we need experts now to tell us what the problems will be then. There are three kinds of expert: pessimists, who think Iraq will fall to bits, optimists, who think Iraq will bounce back, and realists, who work for American construction companies and just want to get in there. Whatever you do, don't ask them how the reconstruction of Afghanistan is going.

Oil expert

Knows about oil.

Archaeologist

"Well, of course, Mesopotamia was the cradle of civilisation..."

Camel-racing expert

What the bloody hell was a camel-racing expert doing onscreen? Sorry, sir, you said you wanted somebody who was good on daily Arab life. Not a camel-racing expert, you cretin! Well, camel-racing is very central to the Arab way of... You're fired! Get out! Yes, sir...