Why Mr Bush should invade Zimbabwe

'Anyone the US says it's for is doomed: the Shah, Marcos, Gorbachev... Hold on, isn't America all for Tony Blair?'

Q. Why does President Bush want a war against Saddam Hussein?

A. Because the Americans are on a winning streak. They defeated the Taliban. They got lots of medals in the Winter Olympics. They feel they can whup anyone now. They almost invaded Canada a month ago, you know.

Q. Why?

A. Because Canada beat the Americans in the final of the Olympic ice hockey, and they wanted revenge.

Q. So why didn't they invade Canada?

A. Because they thought the Canadians might defeat them again.

Q. Do the Americans think that they can beat Iraq?

A. Mmm. They're not sure. But there's a principle at stake. You see, they don't think it's right that a world leader should have poison weapons and nuclear arms at his disposal, and a record of invading weaker countries.

Q. Are we talking about Saddam Hussein or President Bush here?

A. Saddam Hussein.

Q. Right. So the idea is to mount a surprise invasion of Iraq?

A. Something like that.

Q. But if everyone knows that Bush is planning a surprise assault on Iraq, it won't be a surprise, will it?

A. Absolutely. The thing is, you see...

Q. Yes?

A. Promise you won't tell a soul?

Q. Yes.

A. Well, Bush is only talking up this attack on Iraq so much because he is actually planning a surprise attack on a completely different country.

Q. Really?

A. Sure. If everyone thinks he is going to invade Iraq, it will come as a total shock to everyone when he really launches an assault on...

Q. Go on. Tell me.

A. Zimbabwe.

Q. You're kidding!

A. No. President Bush wants to take out Zimbabwe.

Q. Why?

A. Because he thinks he can win there. He isn't so sure he can beat Saddam Hussein. So he is going to take on Mugabe instead.

Q. Gosh. But why..?

A. A matter of principle.

Q. Which principle?

A. The principle that you only fight a war you know you can win.

Q. But Mugabe isn't developing germ warfare, is he? Or nuclear weapons?

A. Lord, no. But Mugabe's a pushover, and that's the main thing. Unless...

Q. Unless what?

A. Well, I shouldn't really tell you this...

Q. No, go on.

A. The thing is that every time the Americans declare war on some world leader and say that he has to be exterminated, that world leader thereby gets a magic lease of life. The Americans said they would get rid of Castro 40 years ago. Gaddafi 20 years ago. Saddam Hussein 10 years ago, etc etc. A year ago they said that Osama bin Laden was for the chop. Well, he's on the run, maybe, but on the way out? And now Yasser Arafat... So if they say that Mugabe is on their wanted list, the odds are that he is here to stay.

Q. Does this work the other way round?

A. How do you mean?

Q. Well, if the Americans say they are all for someone, is that someone therefore doomed?

A. Sure. The Americans were all for the Shah. For President Marcos. For Gorbachev. So, bye bye Shah, bye bye Gorbachev, bye bye Marcos...

Q. Hold on, aren't the Americans all for Tony Blair?

A. Sure.

Q. Does this mean...?

A. Sure.

Q. I see... So what's going to happen to Iraq if the Americans don't invade it?

A. Oh, it's going to get invaded all right.

Q. By the Americans?

A. Can you keep a secret?

Q. Yes.

A. By the Israelis.

Q. Just a minute... You mean, the Americans are going to get the Israelis to do their dirty...?

A. The Israelis owe the Americans a lot of favours. More than that I cannot say.

Q. One last question. Why does the Zimbabwean opposition leader have a name which is written as Tsvangirai but pronounced as Changirai?

A. Can you keep a secret?

Q. Of course.

A. I have no idea.

If you want to know more about the world situation, keep tuned to this station.