If you ask me: This season's absolutely must-have trends

My trend distillery is telling me that the fashion industry will, this season, pretend to care about plus-size models as well as sweat-shops and fur

Designer Pam Hogg walks on the catwalk by Pam Hogg on day 4 of London Fashion Week Spring/Summer 2013 (Getty Images)

If you ask me, as London Fashion Week draws to a close today it is time to distil the season's trends which, luckily, I am able to do as I have a trend distillery down the back of my garden. Firstly, it is telling me trousers will be more trousery than ever before. “I don't think trousers have ever been so trousery,” confims Vogue's Alexandra Schulman. “Mine are from Miu Miu and are the most trousery trousers I've ever worn,” added an excited Jane Bruton of Grazia. Skirts will be skirty – “I love my skirty skirts,” enthused Alexa Chung – while blouses will be blousey and jumpers so stunningly jumpery you may well s*** yourself. “I s*** myself,” says Anna Friel, “so I think that's the last time I'll be invited to sit on Alice Temperley's front row.” She then added: “In my defence, if you are going to produce jumpers so stunningly jumpery, what do you expect?”

Meanwhile, stripes will go up, down, across, or diagonally, and spots will be spotty, while the news from Diane Von Furstenberg is: “Prints, prints, prints” and when Diane Von Furstenberg speaks only a fool wouldn't listen. Or, as Elle's Lorraine Candy puts it: “I once didn't listen when Diane Von Furstenberg said 'prints, prints, prints' and caught my finger in a car door. Some people tried to convince me the events were entirely unrelated, but I very much doubt it. One year I also didn't listen when Ralph Lauren said 'pleats, pleats, pleats', and the following day I fell down some stairs. Coincidence? I don't think so.”

Colours? Purple will be in until noon, then out for the rest of the day, while black is the old white and red is what white was, before it got old. And yellow? Let's not go there, unless we have to, in which case we will. (“If we have to, we will,” confirms Marie Claire's Trish Halpin). Don't be afraid of metallic although, if one breaks in during the night, you have every right to defend yourself. As for socks they will be so amazingly sock-like you may well piss yourself. “I pissed myself at Vivienne Westwood,” says Sienna Miller. “So did I,” says Pixie Lott. “They were the most sock-like socks, like, ever. Those sock-like socks rocked!”

And lastly my trend distillery is telling me the industry will, this season, pretend to care about plus-sized models as well as sweat-shops and fur, so business as usual there. A trend distillery is expensive to set up but, once installed, will be able to churn out crap about trends for all eternity, unless parts wear out, or keel over from boredom. Whichever comes first.