An apology of a column. For which we are truly sorry

By Sir Paul McCartney/George W Bush/Tim Henman/The IRA/Madonna/Michael Grade/Kate Moss/Vladimir Putin and John Prescott

Last week Tony Blair nearly said sorry for the slave trade. Chris Joseph has uncovered some other apologies which haven't quite happened yet.

Sir Paul McCartney

Arright? Okay? Great! Eeeeh, I just wanna say sorry, like. To me fans. To me family. To everyone who remembers Linda fondly, like. I've learned the error of me ways. I am deeply - deeply ashamed. And, 'ow d'yer purrit, chastened. I've learned me lesson. I will never, ever, ever release an album like Ecce Cor Meum again.

George W Bush

I wanna 'pologise - right here, right now - to the Merkin people. I wanna 'pologise for misunderestimatin' their hostility to Merkin servicemen and women getting uh, uh, embroilered in a foreign conflict. Even though it was a fundamental - I repeat, fumdanemtal - part of the war against terrrr and the forces of evil arrayed aginst us. But the Merkin people have spoken, and it is my doody to smell what they taste. I mean hear what they say.

So I wanna 'pologise for havin' appointed Donald Rumsfeld as seckertary of state. That was my fault, and I hold my hands up to it! If Donny... Donald... Rummy had kept me properly informed I would never have involved the great Merkin public in a war on Iraq. I woulda invaded Iran. But as my daddy useta say, two Irans don't make Iraq.

Tim Henman

I'm still rubbish. Sorry you ever thought otherwise.

The IRA

We're sorry we never got Desert Orchid. We knew where he lived and his death as part of the armed struggle would have struck at the heart of the British Establishment. Not that this statement should in any way be construed as detrimental to the power-sharing agreement which is currently hanging in the balance due to the intransigence of loyalist... (continues for several hours).

Madonna

First thing. I'm sarry, aright? I'm sarry that through my ART and through my COMPASSION I tried to make the world a bedder place. For years now, I have existed only for my public. Ye-ars. I have been an ENTERTAINER and I have worked DAMNED hard. Then recently, after several seconds of deep contemplation of ancient truths revealed to me - REVEALED! To me! - by reputable Kabbalah teachers, I realised I was put on this earth for a purpose greater than singing and dancing. I could save a life. A child's life. Little whatsisname, David. So I cut a few corners? So I picked him outta a line-up? CHILDREN are DYING!! With me, whatsisname, David, can have a life. So I apologise for giving a child a chance. OK? Jesus!

Michael Grade

Er, sorry all. I'm off.

Kate Moss

Sorry about my alleged drug use, OK? Really sorry. Really, really sorry (sniggers). NOT REALLY HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (waves massively lucrative new advertising contract).

Vladimir Putin

So sorry. Is next time, we get him before he leave, yes? We lend Chernobyl crew to British Airways. Sorry. Yes?

John Prescott

First of all, I want to apologerise for getting caught... I mean, for bringing the office of Deputy Prime Suspect into disrepubes. But I want the British working people to know that I always acted out of the highest mopeds, that my intensives were always admiral, that my thoughts were always with the Hannibalectorate. Sometimes, I may have run dong, I mean done wrong. But hooch spleen watercloset hanky toffs me downfall bastard. I hope that clears everything up. And with that, I retire to the slack wenches, I mean backbenches. Tito, I mean tata, for now.