Captain Moonlight

No, do come on in! Delightful to see you! Make yourself at home! Do you know, I often think that comfort, familiarity and reassurance are virtues without honour in this fast-moving world that we inhabit. That's why I like to think that you will always find some old friends in this column. Breakfaster: I'd like two boiled eggs, please, one done as hard as a bullet, and the other hardly done at all, and two pieces of toast, black one side, hardly touched the other. Waiter: I'm sorry, sir, I don't think we can do that. Breakfaster: Why not, you managed it yesterday." Oi! Forward!

No, do come on in! Delightful to see you! Make yourself at home! Do you know, I often think that comfort, familiarity and reassurance are virtues without honour in this fast-moving world that we inhabit. That's why I like to think that you will always find some old friends in this column. Breakfaster: I'd like two boiled eggs, please, one done as hard as a bullet, and the other hardly done at all, and two pieces of toast, black one side, hardly touched the other. Waiter: I'm sorry, sir, I don't think we can do that. Breakfaster: Why not, you managed it yesterday." Oi! Forward!

Suburb!

More than half the people living in suburbs wish they lived somewhere else, I see. People in towns wish they lived in the country. People in the country envy people in the towns. Clearly, what we're looking for is somewhere entirely new to live. Allow the Captain to stimulate fierce debate with my list of essentials for living, no matter where you are: 1. Hot water bottle. 2. Channel-changing thingie. 3. Bath thermometer and operative. 4. Boulevard. 5. Optic spirit measure. 6. Tea. 7. Personal strainer. 8. Digestive biscuits. 9. Ostler. 10. Irrepressible bank manager. 11. Irascible mine hoste with particular animus against infants, music and anything seared on licensed premises. 12. Crumpets. 13. Galoshes. Thank you. Next!

Vegetables!

And Mr Mudge of the Processed Vegetable Growers Association has sent in this memorable verse: "I eat my peas with honey/I've done it all my life/It makes them taste quite funny/But keeps them on the knife." Next, cucumbers, and the continuing controversy on whether they should be dressed or undressed in cucumber sandwiches: Mr Jones of St Austell has this from that early stand-up, Samuel Johnson: "A cucumber should be well sliced, and dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out, as good for nothing." Oi! Next!

Lift!

More controversy, this time involving my exciting new feature, I Shared A Lift With A Celebrity! Last week Mr Jennings of Westhead told us about the neighbour of some friends in an American lift who interpreted a request from Lionel Richie's minder to "hit the ground" as an instruction to fling herself on the floor rather than push the ground-floor button, thereby amusing Mr Richie so much that he picked up her bill. But now, wait for it, both Mr Gurney of Email and Ms Lane of Ilford claim this is nothing more than an old urban legend! Well. I shall have to take this up with Mr Jennings. On!

More Veg?

Villagers in Creances, northern France, are dressing as carrots to celebrate 1,000 years of carrot production! Well done! Can anybody beat that? Next!

Lift!

Mr Jennings has replied! He has! He says that his friends are of an impeccably sober nature who had never heard of Lionel Richie before this! But he can't vouch for the neighbour! He will check it out and get back to us soonest! Exciting! Next!

Twinkle!

Yes, indeed, that's the columnar effect which tends to herald a dispatch from my celebrity correspondent, Ms Britt Bafter, the girl who sees stars on a regular basis! Britt? "Captain! The Grumbleweeds, fabled comedy songsters and impressionists who shot to fame in the Seventies! Robin Colvill, one of them, has had his laptop stolen in Blackpool! More than 30,000 jokes on it! Colvill suspects someone is trying to steal their act! If your readers come across anyone passing off old jokes and attempting comic impressions, they should ring Blackpool Police on 01253 293933 immediately!" Hmmm. Getting a bit close to home. Next, quickly!

Frond!

And I am delighted to report an overwhelmingly unanimous response to my phone-in vote on whether or not you would like to learn how to make a palm tree from a newspaper, passed on by our Ms Hunter here who got it from her mother, Mrs Hunter! Ready? Take this newspaper ... now steady, not yet, wait until you have read it thoroughly, please (responsible readers may like to take photocopies first) ... open it up and roll up tightly from the bottom. Next, using the scissors dexterously with one hand, take the rolled newspaper in the other hand and cut vertical strips four inches deep at a horizontal interval of half an inch. Now, just hold it there, as that's quite enough for one week. Stage Two next week! Oh, and Ms Moore of Bawdon: no, Mrs Hunter is not the Mrs Hunter who used to appear at the Hackney Empire. Thank you. Next!

Lift!

More from Mr Jennings! "Captain! Both my wife and I remembered the tale as being about our friends' neighbour, but when I checked this they said it was told to them by a Welshman they met on holiday in Provence. However, an hour later they rang back to say that they had thought more about it, and now recalled that they overheard it being told on an adjacent table in the restaurant at Manchester's Bridgewater Hall." Goodness me. Were you that couple in the Bridgewater Hall? Do you know Lionel Richie? Contact The Captain immediately! Forward!

Charles Nevin is Captain Moonlight

email thingie: moonlight@ independent.co.uk