David Randall: The Prince's New Clothes (26/08/12)

Never mind the quality, feel the width, said the nice young man to Holly-Jane, who tells all...

I was, like, I don't b-e-l-i-e-v-e this is happening! I'm a waitress. I serve drinks. Pricey drinks, I know, but still drinks. And I can wear a bikini like it's a second skin. But I'm just Holly-Jane from Wichita, Kansas. Back home, I date guys who work in gas stations.

So I was, you know, so OMG when this guy comes up to me and says: "Do you wanna come to a pool party?" And I'm, like, yeah. And I get there and who's there but Prince Harry – a real king, the grandson, or something, of the actual Queen of England-land. And I'm, like, O-M-G!

It was soooo cool! If I had any spare flesh (which I don't 'cos I work out and only eat yoghurt, peaches and rye) I'd have pinched myself. I mean, there I was standing next to His Royal Majesty and he's looking at me, or part of me, and saying things. Important things, I guess, 'cos everything he says is, like, so significant.

And then one of his prince people says that he has this amazing new suit of clothes and a few of us are going up to his room to see it, and would I like to join them? And I'm, like, W-O-W! Are you kidding? Just lead me there!

So there we are in the royal room, and they tell me that King Harry's in the closet changing into this really magic suit of clothes. And then out he comes, and all these people there go: "Wow! Isn't it grand! Isn't it fine! Look at the cut, the style, the line!" And some of them just went crazy. They said it's his birthday suit, whatever that is. They said he can even play billiards in it. And one said: "It's altogether the most remarkable suit of clothes that I have ever seen!" There were people clapping and yelling, and one girl was taking photographs.

But then the dime started to drop. One of the prince's guys asked me if I'd like to feel the material. And, you know, I may be just silly little Holly-Jane from Wichita, Kansas, but even I know when I'm being taken for a ride. The prince was in the altogether, and he was, you know, altogether as naked as the day that he was born. Birthday suit! He was having us on.