Deborah Ross: Ten tips for living 'Fifty Shades' dream

If You Ask Me: You will need to be practised in contortionism for some of this bed flipping action (look for evening classes in your area)

Deborah Ross
Tuesday 24 July 2012 09:38
Comments

If you ask me, now I have read the publishing sensation that is Fifty Shades of Grey, I believe I am in a position to advise you should you ever be taken up by a young billionaire who is freaking hot (oh my! holy crap!). Here are my top 10 tips:

1 You will need to clear your diary to allow for at least 27 explosive, mind-blowing, body-shattering orgasms a day, so you may wish to cancel that dental appointment now.

2 You will be so hot for your billionaire and so constantly "wet" you may as well put your "panties" on straight from the washing machine, and save on drying time.

3 You will call your vagina your "inner goddess" and allow it creepy monologues and to "spin like a world-class ballerina". (You may need to start work on this now; look for an evening class in your area).

4 Although your billionaire is self-made and still in his twenties you will never ask why he doesn't do any work and does not appear to have an office.

5 You will accept that your billionaire is a sadistic, misogynistic, stalking, abusive piece of shit because you're not only a sucker for a lame, poorly written back story, but, let's face it, you've taken a liking to his spectacular manhood and the "brimming fullness" it provides.

6 As a graduate and independent woman, you will protest when your billionaire presents you with gifts like an Audi, Cartier jewels, first editions, and a wardrobe full of designer gear but as his need to give is greater than your need to decline, you will accept. (neat; well-played!).

7 You will, luckily, be often described as "clever" and "smart" and "intelligent" even though your actions and thoughts will give no indication that any of this is true, and you actually come across as so dumb, shallow and boring that only a mother could, in fact, love you, and she may struggle some days.

8 You will allow your billionaire to instruct you in all matters to do with sex and contraception even though he appears to believe women cannot get pregnant while having their period.

9 You will lie on your back and allow your billionaire to tie your wrists to the bedposts but will then, three pages later, flip on to your front as instructed even though still tied. You will therefore need to be practised in contortionism (Again, look for evening classes in your area).

10 If your romance with your billionaire goes the full 514 pages you will be required to whimper 40 times, moan 37 times, groan 22 times, mewl 17 times and all while your vagina is spinning and your fullness is brimming but, hey, no one said this would be easy, right?

Register for free to continue reading

Registration is a free and easy way to support our truly independent journalism

By registering, you will also enjoy limited access to Premium articles, exclusive newsletters, commenting, and virtual events with our leading journalists

Please enter a valid email
Please enter a valid email
Must be at least 6 characters, include an upper and lower case character and a number
Must be at least 6 characters, include an upper and lower case character and a number
Must be at least 6 characters, include an upper and lower case character and a number
Please enter your first name
Special characters aren’t allowed
Please enter a name between 1 and 40 characters
Please enter your last name
Special characters aren’t allowed
Please enter a name between 1 and 40 characters
You must be over 18 years old to register
You must be over 18 years old to register
Opt-out-policy
You can opt-out at any time by signing in to your account to manage your preferences. Each email has a link to unsubscribe.

By clicking ‘Create my account’ you confirm that your data has been entered correctly and you have read and agree to our Terms of use, Cookie policy and Privacy notice.

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy policy and Terms of service apply.

Already have an account? sign in

By clicking ‘Register’ you confirm that your data has been entered correctly and you have read and agree to our Terms of use, Cookie policy and Privacy notice.

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy policy and Terms of service apply.

Register for free to continue reading

Registration is a free and easy way to support our truly independent journalism

By registering, you will also enjoy limited access to Premium articles, exclusive newsletters, commenting, and virtual events with our leading journalists

Already have an account? sign in

By clicking ‘Register’ you confirm that your data has been entered correctly and you have read and agree to our Terms of use, Cookie policy and Privacy notice.

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy policy and Terms of service apply.

Join our new commenting forum

Join thought-provoking conversations, follow other Independent readers and see their replies

Comments

Thank you for registering

Please refresh the page or navigate to another page on the site to be automatically logged inPlease refresh your browser to be logged in