Deborah Ross: You want a lift to Nando's? Get real, son

If you ask me...

If you ask me, now that the school holidays are nearly upon us, it's important you're prepared for heading off your children's ruthless and never-ending entertainment requests. You may even wish to take the following child/mother conversation as your template:

Q: Mum, can I have a lift to Tom's and then the park and then Nando's?

A: Listen, my friend, I delivered you out of my vagina. I think I've done all the delivering I am going to do for now. I'm thinking buses are the way forward for you.

Q: Mum, can we do something tediously messy with glitter and glue?

A: Didn't you hear what I just said? I delivered you from my noonoo. Yes. That's right. My noonoo! What does one have to do to get a break around here?

Q: Mum, can we play Snap?

A: While I sit on my hopes, dreams, aspirations and university degree, you mean? And after pushing you out as I did? Fourteen hours! Two epidurals! Stitches! Get real, baby. Wake up and smell the coffee.

Q: Mum, is it OK to be as bored as this?

A: They say that boredom is the greatest gift you can give a child, and I'm killing myself trying to give you that great gift here, son; killing myself.

Q: Mum, you don't think a TV in my bedroom would be a better gift?

A: On top of giving you all this boredom? You'll end up spoilt. There are many, many children who don't get as much boredom as you. I think there are some children in Africa who are scarcely bored at all. I can't believe you are throwing this boredom back into my face. I, who squeezed you out my coochie and everything.

Q: Mum, is it true there are proper mums who bake cakes and organise days out and make play dates and build dens in the living room with sheets and chairs?

A: I've never heard such rubbish in all my life. Who is filling your head with this misleading bile?

Q: Mum, have I thanked you enough for bringing me into the world?

A: Don't worry about it, dear. I don't like to make a big thing of it, even though I will have to lie down for the rest of the afternoon, and all of tomorrow, and most of next week. Still, no one ever said being a mother would be easy, but now hurry along. You don't want to miss your bus.