Off message: an anonymous MP writes

Monday Tory billboards appear everywhere. Happy adverts for the glories of Persil, ISAs, Korean cars and lap dancing all disappear to be replaced by acres of fake graffiti full of Orwellian gloom. They have a subliminal, cumulative effect. Immigrants on early prison release are everywhere soiling our hospitals and raping our daughters. Terror abounds. My constituents appear only in armed groups wearing masks and surgical gloves. The ghost of Dr Goebbels stalks Tesco's car park. Does anyone believe this rubbish? No wonder the Tories are marooned in the polls.

Monday Tory billboards appear everywhere. Happy adverts for the glories of Persil, ISAs, Korean cars and lap dancing all disappear to be replaced by acres of fake graffiti full of Orwellian gloom. They have a subliminal, cumulative effect. Immigrants on early prison release are everywhere soiling our hospitals and raping our daughters. Terror abounds. My constituents appear only in armed groups wearing masks and surgical gloves. The ghost of Dr Goebbels stalks Tesco's car park. Does anyone believe this rubbish? No wonder the Tories are marooned in the polls.

Tuesday The Sun says people should vote for me. Warm gratitude fills me like bedtime cocoa. Thanks Trevor. You've seen the light (we're winning).

Wednesday Local papers full of grand visits. Mo Mowlem comes to visit me. She is wonderful, funny and wise and ends up calling bingo at the day centre. Cherie Blair is on the other side of town. "Vote for my old friend Bob," says Mo. "He's a fine MP." Cherie Blair is silent on the subject. Much encouraged.

Thursday My wonderful, amplified soapbox (a gift from Dale Campbell-Savours) is in need of a new battery. I am sent to acquire it. "What car's it for then mate?" says the man in the Quick Fit overalls. "It's for a soapbox? Never 'eard of it. Skoda is it?" Very funny. The PM weighs in on immigration. Points out (rightly) that our controls are about as strict as anyone else and (rightly) that the numbers game is unreal and unworkable. I am slightly sorry we had to do it. I thought there was a deliberate policy to let the Tories stew in this populist stuff while we hammered home the economy and public services. Let's keep the high ground.

Friday Attend our only public hustings at the Ecumenical Church organised by Amnesty, Oxfam and World Development. It is a serious and worthy occasion, well attended by everyone except my Tory opponent. He hasn't replied to repeated invitations. My nice Lib Dem and Ukip opponents agree about most things except splendid isolation (Ukip) and assisted dying (Lib Dem). A pity about the Tory. He could have answered some questions about immigration and asylum instead of sticking the poisonous stuff on billboards. Soapbox works a treat and can be heard in Southend. Teddy Taylor beware.