The Sketch: Commons unleashes the reptiles of war

Geoff Hoon's pulse continues to defy modern science. It beats not, yet somehow he continues to stand at the dispatch box. He's like some hibernating reptile: there are very few indications that he is alive, yet core functions continue to work (he speaks, for instance).

As the observant among us can testify, there's a war on. Bombs are being dropped, billions are being spent, all sorts of people are being blown to bits and Mr Hoon addresses the Commons like a hibernating reptile reading the shipping forecast. That's not meant as a criticism.

Unfortunately for more or less everyone, the war isn't going as well as hoped. We aren't being hailed as liberators; we're running out of bombs; we haven't got enough troops on the ground. So while politicians say everything is going according to plan, exactly according to plan, totally on plan – America is suddenly increasing its troop presence by 50 per cent.

Only veiled allusions to this difficulty were made in the House. Sir Patrick Cormack asked the minister to comment on reports that politicians and the military are "not in step". Lions and donkeys are rarely in step (it's the length of their legs). Sir Patrick wanted reassurance. Mr Hoon said he could give that reassurance. It was the media's fault, largely. The media at least were reassured.

He also regretted the fact that there hadn't yet been any defections of very senior politicians. He obviously hadn't read about Robin Cook.

Bernard Jenkin asked whether the minister was still ruling out sending British reinforcements. Mr Hoon did let us know something. While he agreed to replace soldiers who had been there for some time, he firmly ruled out increasing the size of the British force. He said this several times; 45,000 is likely to be sufficient. Nothing has happened to change that assessment, he said. Exactly what he meant is unclear.

Vincent Cable asked what verification had emerged of reported findings of chemical plants. Was there not a useful wartime role for the UN's weapons inspectors? Adam Ingram, a sort of lifeless Geoff Hoon, said that was a matter for the UN.

Peter Kilfoyle, a former defence minister, wanted to be reassured that the war would not spill over into Syria and Iran. Lewis Moonie replied: "I can reassure him it won't be a matter for me to decide." It's why people like Mr Moonie.

It seems we have an additional war aim: "To restore Iraq to its own people." Whoever they are. If we can find them. And as long as they don't democratically vote for religious fundamentalists, Arab nationalists or gun-crazy strongmen. We'll stop the war as soon as Iraq votes for a pacifist, moderate, secular government dedicated to a comprehensive social inclusion programme, improving the reading age of 11 to 13-year-olds and achieving gender equity balance in the public services.

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