The Sketch: Taking absurdity right down to the cellular level

Charles Clarke is as much an improvement over his predecessor as she was over hers. In the absence of anything nice to say about David Blunkett, let us celebrate Estelle Morris telling the House: "The important thing is two things." Mr Clarke is probably no less confused but he approaches the House with a certain modesty. Wisely, all things considered.

To reassure grammar schools of their continuing existence he said he wanted to take micromanagement down to the cellular level. Is this really the Government's policy? It's certainly absurd enough.

He went on: "Grammar schools can be absolutely confident there will be no ideological attack from me or my party on this question."

His party colleague Stephen Ladyman rose immediately to launch an ideological attack on the question. He quoted the research of one Professor Jesson which shows, he claimed, that students in comprehensives do better than their cohort in grammar schools. "If we are going to drive up standards we have to drive out selection," he declared. This conclusion is so counter-intuitive we have to assume that Mr Ladyman commissioned the research himself. And so it proved. Research is so degraded, so politicised that it can no longer be regarded as scientific: you can believe or disbelieve anything you want.

Damian Green referred to different research that suggested a third of all teachers were going to leave the profession in five years.

Under-Secretary Stephen Twigg pointed out that half the disappearing teachers were simply retiring and that less than 6 per cent of the total were leaving teaching altogether – a persuasive rebuttal until you realise that the two statements contradict each other.

There are several levels of unreality here. What the teachers tell the researcher may or may not be true, how the researcher compiles the responses may or may not be fair, and what the politicians make of the material in the House will certainly bear little relation to what is actually going on.

Mr Twigg showed he was sensitive to the concerns of teachers by saying he recognised the issues of "initiative overload", and that the new regime was going to deal with that, radically. The very next minister to stand up promised a £400m initiative called the National Behaviour and Attendance Strategy.

Margaret Hodge got up and the television went mad (I was watching all this remotely because the only way of getting to Westminster was by submarine). No, Mrs Hodge rose to her feet and my Tivo box switched automatically over to a high-school comedy called Clueless. Poor Mrs Hodge; even our domestic machinery knows enough to satirise her.

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