If you don’t understand the rules, fear not. Boris Johnson is coming with Moonshot to zap the virus into another galaxy

For those who are still confused, the prime minister will explain everything clearly in one of his addresses to the nation, with bits of Latin chucked in to make it even simpler

Mark Steel
Friday 11 September 2020 12:41
Government considers spending £100bn on mass testing programme

Some people complain they don’t understand what we’re now allowed to do, but the government’s rules are clear. No more than six people can gather anywhere, unless it’s at a gathering. Of these, four out of every three must be outside during daylight unless two are facing east and south at the same time, and one must hover over the others like a hummingbird.

Four are allowed in a bubble, but an extra 1.5 people are allowed in a bubblette, which is one-ninth of a bubble, but must be in India when the hooter goes.

You are allowed two extra people in your house, as long as you murder two people in your own family to make space, and dump them into two lakes that are at least two metres apart.

Boris Johnson will explain everything clearly in one of his addresses to the nation, with bits of Latin chucked in to make it even simpler. He’ll say, “Good evening, the people of this great nation, ipso facto, must follow these rules. There must be a maximum of nought people in a room at any time, so if you find yourself in a room, leave it immediately. Rattus norvegicus, Good night.”  

Also, Matt Hancock explained why it’s so hard to get tested. It’s because, he said, people have been wasting the tests, by getting tested when they don’t have the virus.

That seems clear enough, that no one should get tested unless they already know whether they’ve got coronavirus or not. So whatever you do, don’t use up the tests they told us we all had to use by using them, you idiots.

They told us their testing system would be world beating, and this makes it extremely valuable, not something that can be wasted on testing people, as if it’s a toy. The tests are works of art, and should be locked in a glass case and admired. You don’t see people using the Mona Lisa by wiping their saliva on it to see if they’re full of germs do you?

If Matt Hancock was a doctor, when a patient came for their results of a prostate cancer test, he’d say, “I’m afraid I’ve got very bad news. You haven’t got cancer. That means we wasted this test. Now get out, you wasteful slug.”

In any case, Boris Johnson has promised a new system now, that’s surpassed the world-beating one he promised. Because that one wasn’t ambitious enough. This must be why it didn’t come out in May as promised, or June as then promised, or September as then promised, and has now been abandoned. Because it would only have beaten this world, but now he’s promised a ”moonshot” testing system, that will also beat the world Argon 5 in the galaxy of Modus Vivendi.

These track and tracing systems only seem to exist in Boris Johnson’s imagination, but at least he’s making an effort. In the part of his address to the nation where he explains how moonshot will work, he’ll say: “Moonshot is an intergalactic Venus Ray, that I will fire and it will go like this – ‘ZAP ZAP ZAP’. Then I will say, ‘Aha deadly virus, get BAT to where you came from, get it? Looks like you’re a goner, or should I say a-Corona.’ Inter alia habeas corpus, ha ha ha, POW POW ZING.”

Tory MP says government must ‘get a grip’ of testing and should not blame public

Johnson and Hancock have both explained why we need to bring back restrictions, which is that people are stupid and haven’t been complying with the rules. The government carefully explained we should carry on staying at home, with slogans such as “Get back to work NOW”, and, “For GOD’S SAKE go into the city centres and buy all of Pret a Manger’s baguettes, otherwise they’ll all shut down and it will be YOUR FAULT”. And “Send your children back to school, not just during schooltime, but all the time, don’t worry about the virus, that’s finished now, so send all your kids there, and all your other relatives, otherwise we’ll have them confiscated and sold to a trafficking gang”.

Boris Johnson has spelled out carefully, “When I said, ‘go to the pub. Britain is open, time to rejoice, so praise me for I have delivered unto you ale and festivities, but you must take heed my children and go to the pub NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW’, obviously I didn’t mean you should go to the pub, and certainly not now. I meant as soon as I’ve invented Moonshot, you idiots.”

So there’s a pattern, where each week we’re told the opposite of the week before, and we absolutely must not do the thing we absolutely had to until this morning. By November, it will be illegal to go to the park, but it will also be illegal to not go to the park, and the police will have to attend philosophy classes so they can order the public to be here and not here at the same time.

Maybe the reason the new rules are so complicated, is to set Dominic Cummings a worthwhile challenge, in which he has to work really hard to make sure he’s broken them, then come up with the most imaginative excuse for doing it. There will be a rule that you’re only allowed to have three people stood in a bucket at once, and he’ll be photographed with nine people stood in a bucket. So he’ll appear on the news to explain this was within the rules because he had toothache, and he was looking after the souls of his ancestors.

And we’re lucky, because then they can use all the skills they’ve learned in dealing with the pandemic so well, on getting us just as smoothly through Brexit.

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