'Do you want to super-survive that?': America's in crisis but Trump rates himself 10/10 so it's all going to be OK

Given his relationship with his daughter Tiffany, I’m surprised that the president struggles with the concept of social distancing

Welcome to America, where we’re number one for capitalism, drive-thrus and how not to respond to the coronavirus. Don’t worry, though — President Trump has rated himself 10 out of 10. Doesn’t that fill you with confidence?

Places like Singapore, Hong Kong and South Korea already have a playbook on how to manage this outbreak. For example, South Korea has drive-through test centers. Sadly, rugged American individualism means that the best way to ensure test compliance would be to add the test to the drive-through menu at McDonald’s:

Operator: Welcome to McDonald’s, may I take your order?

Driver: I’ll have the Egg McMuffin, fries and a coffee.

Operator: Would you like to super-survive that?

Driver: What does that mean?

Operator: It’s like super-sizing but instead of increasing portion size, we add a coronavirus testing kit for just $50.

Driver: Hell no! You can’t tell me what to do. I’m American! I have the freedom not to get the virus.

Operator: But what if you get it?

Driver: I’ll shoot it.

Of course the above scenario would never happen in real life. Not because it’s implausible, but because there’s no way test kits would be sold for as little as $50.

To his credit, Trump is eyeing an $850 billion stimulus plan. Given how he’s governed so far, $800 billion will probably be spent on his security and travel to and from his golf courses. But I’m actually OK with that — because the best thing Trump can do for the American public right now is to get out of the way and let the adults make decisions.

But let’s get back to South Korea. The coronavirus test that South Koreans are getting lasts no longer than 10 minutes. Patients then get test results texted to them, typically the next day. And this whole set-up is free, paid for by the government. Maybe South Korea is low-key endorsing Bernie Sanders for president? Or maybe they’re just acting like every other developed country in the world. Who knows?

Of course aggressive testing is not a panacea: social distancing is still warranted to prevent the spread of Covid-19. Given his relationship with his daughter Tiffany, I’m surprised that Trump struggles with the concept of social distancing. Surely he should be an expert? Along with most deadbeat dads, he's been practising maintaining a more-than-healthy distance with this member of his progeny for years — and all in the name of our safety. What a guy!

South Korea’s success with testing reduces the need for them to have to impose a national lockdown which may be implemented here in the US in the coming days — much to the joy of Stephen Miller. Can any of us be confident that Miller won’t use the lockdown to send ICE agents to round up undocumented migrants? Of course not — but at least the American citizens won’t be allowed to leave either, so I’m sure they’ll pick up all the jobs and properties left vacant immediately. Especially the ones in the service sector, which I hear are doing especially well.

Ultimately, South Korea was able to move quickly on coronavirus because they were prepared thanks to the lessons they learned from the 2015 SARS outbreak in the region, which infected over 8,000. Unfortunately, in America, such a statistic would only move Trump to act if he was sure those affected by the virus would vote for him.