The moment someone asks me out, I lose respect for them

The Independent’s agony aunt Victoria Richards is here to help. Email dearvix@independent.co.uk for advice on love, work, family and relationships

Love Island popularised the phrase ‘the ick’ (ITV)

Dear Vix,

I have a really weird and embarrassing problem that I’m too scared to admit to anyone I actually know: the moment someone asks me out, I don’t want them any more. I’d go as far as to say I lose respect for them. I can be chatting to them just fine, getting along, liking them and enjoying the connection – but then they’ll ruin it by suggesting a date. And the moment they do, I don’t want to. In fact, I can’t think of anything I want less.

I sometimes even say out loud to myself, “as if!” and feel annoyed because they’ve ruined the game, you see – they’ve made it real. And if they seem to like me too much – and express that openly – I find it a massive turn-off. It gives me “the ick”. I feel all sorts of weird feelings for them: contempt, pity, disgust... I even feel sorry for them.

I know you’ll probably say “get straight to therapy”, but I’ve done therapy – loads of it. I have (though this might surprise you) pretty good self-esteem, so it’s not that I hate myself and can’t believe anyone would want to go out with me!

I just find my desire disappearing the moment someone actually wants to go out with me. Yet at the same time, I am sick of being alone and just wish I could find someone to do life with! What’s going on?

Destined to be alone

Dear Destined,

I’m going to reassure you – I don’t think you’re destined to be alone. The fact that people are asking you out goes to show that they see so much potential in you: they want to know more. That’s great. You’re working from a win.

But you’re right, you’ve got a lot going on here. It’s great that you’ve worked with a therapist, but I wonder if the work for you still lies in facing your confusing emotions around being asked out head-on. What happens – what comes up for you – if you stare straight at it? If you imagine someone asking you out, then lean into the feelings that it brings up: contempt, disgust, “the ick”?

Does it conjure up any images or scenarios or memories? Can you think of another time in your life when you’ve felt like that? Has anyone in your life ever used these kinds of words about you – or to you?

The reason I ask is because they’re pretty strong – and negative – and they’re also in your own direction. You’re not really thinking the other person is “disgusting” – but you are disgusted that they would feel positively about you.

You say you have good self-esteem, which is great, but I wonder if you’ve ever had any type of rejection in the past: it doesn’t necessarily have to have been romantic, it could have come from a friend or a caregiver. Something that made you feel stupid or unworthy or “not good enough”. Something that might be bubbling up to the surface in these new romantic scenarios.

I am inclined to think that the reason you keep people at a distance is because you feel safer that way. That could come from somewhere deep inside you that is worried about being rejected again. That’s my hunch.

You also use an interesting word: “game”. You say that if they want to make it “real” and actually go on a date with you, rather than chatting on the phone or via an app, they’ve “ruined the game”. That tells me you feel safer when you’re able to be flirty yet mysterious; to chase and pursue and weave and duck and hide, to say “no” and avoid reality.

We all feel a bit like that from time to time – so don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s not so unusual. I am sure we have all experienced a unique sort of existential malaise when we “have” to do something “grown-up” and “real”, like going on a date with someone for the first time. But we grit our teeth and do it anyway, with the ultimate goal in mind: the hope that we will find someone to “do life with”, as you so eloquently put it.

The stickler is: you aren’t letting yourself get to that bit – you’re avoiding gritting your teeth and doing it anyway – because you’re focusing on “the ick” and letting that act as a blocker. You’re protecting yourself too hard, I think.

The next time this happens to you, I want you to try – just once – to push through it. To take a deep breath and pull your big boy or big girl pants on and go out with them. Work through the discomfort. Face it. See if you can make it to the other side. I have a feeling that you will – and that it won’t feel half as uncomfortable “IRL” as you imagine.

Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love,