David Davis thinks he’d ace a CEO style interview to become PM – but would he beat a monkey?

The ex-Brexit secretary versus Martin the Monkey. It’s too close to call at this stage

The idea is every bit as horrible as that awful picture accompanying the malicious Momo hoax, but there’s going to be a new Tory leader and thus a new Tory prime minister sooner or later. Probably sooner given the way the incumbent has been carrying on.

It caused a ripple of amusement earlier this week when David Davis, the former Brexit secretary before storming off in one of his trademark hissy fits, said he’d win easily if political leaders were selected in the same way as businesses pick CEOs.

As someone who’s covered business for many years, it got me to thinking. What if we take him at his word and test his candidacy.

And what if we put it up against that of Martin the Monkey.

For the uninitiated, I nominated Martin to take over at Persimmon Homes rather than the newly appointed Dave Jenkinson. That was because, given the fat subsidy the house builder gets courtesy of the government’s help to buy scheme, you could put a monkey in the CEO’s chair there and still make money. You don’t need to spend the £30m plus Persimmon chucked Dave before he’d even taken the top job.

Standard practice in business is to hire a fancy firm of headhunters to construct a shortlist for you and take some of the blame if things go wrong (why didn’t you tell us he was a corrupt philander?).

They’ll do things like run through the candidates’ CVs and conduct a first round of interviews, before a board level appointments committee moves in. The views of big shareholders are usually sought for their feedback. Ditto regulators, if they’re heavily involved as they are in industries like banking and insurance.

It’s an exhaustive process, and not for the faint hearted. Candidates require not only a towering self regard (both Davis and Martin have that) but commitment too. Martin has that. Davis? Well let’s take a look at his record.

Moore & Moore political headhunters has put the two of them on the shortlist because the sensible candidates didn’t want the job and only Boris Johnson would put Boris Johnson before an appointments committee.

Now you have to be British to be Tory leader, which Davis is. When we ran a background check on Martin we found he was born at the London Zoological Society so he ticks the box too.

Boards usually like their CEOs to have some experience in their industry, although that’s not always the case. Davis has been an MP since 1987. Martin, by contrast, is a monkey. But he is the alpha male of his troop, and you don’t get to hold that sort of position without having sharp elbows. Davis would appear to have the edge here, but you could certainly consider working with a troop of monkeys London Zoo as a comparable industry to working with MPs at Westminster.

On to achievements. Appointments committees look carefully at these and the CVs of business types frequently go into granular detail about the things they have done in particular roles, and the returns they have generated, with that in mind.

Martin’s on solid ground here. He’s the the alpha. David Davis’ are somewhat more questionable. In his final year as Brexit secretary, in theory an historically important role, he managed just a few hours sat down talking to Michel Barnier, the EU’s chief negotiator. As for other things he’s done of consequence while in ministerial office… erm…

Score one for Martin then.

Temperament is another important issue that interview panels take seriously. You want someone who’s, dare I say it, strong and stable, and capable of bringing people with them.

Davis’ record is somewhat spotty on this front. He’s never stuck around in a top team for long. Then there was that utterly pointless by-election he fought in 2008 to draw attention to civil liberties issues. A noble aim, for sure, but it was complicated somewhat by a voting record that has seen him consistently voting against extending civil rights to gay people who want to get married, for example. And, given that Labour and the Lib Dems decline to run against him, his vainglorious gesture did about as much good as a putting a sloth into the derby.

Such quixotic behaviour doesn’t generally go down well with the people on appointments committees because they know full well it’ll be them getting it in the neck from big shareholders who control their meal tickets if it becomes clear they’ve hired a bloody idiot who’ll flounce out for the purposes of generating some cheap publicity.

More recently he’s had a habit of spitting out the sort of incendiary paranoia common among Brexiteers, fans of right wing conspiracy theories, and Donald Trump.

Martin, by contrast, is an equable type, who can be counted upon to listen to his advisors as long as he gets first dibs at the bananas and only gets upset if someone sits on his favourite seat when they shouldn’t. As long as colleagues pay due regard to that, and have some protective clothing handy just in case, they’ll do just fine.

Now, ability to construct an executive team. Were they to look at the extremists Davis pals around with most appointments committees would recoil in horror. What? He’s going to hire them?

Business is about risk. But boards do their utmost to minimise it. The risk Davis would present to any UK plc would clearly be judged as unacceptable by anyone with an ounce of common sense.

Company directors are also big on their people taking responsibility for their actions, which is another blot on Davis’ copy book. It's a blot on every Europhobe’s copybook.

Martin, by contrast, will cosy up with whomever keeps the food coming in (so not the ERG and Davis other pals) and can be counted upon to admit it if he craps in the wrong place.

So you can see, Davis was on very shaky ground with his claim. Martin, by contrast, could sail into Downing Street tomorrow morning.

Looking at the quality of the incumbent, and the possible replacements from either main party, we could do a lot worse.