We've finally admitted that dogs are unintelligent – but there is one thing they're good at

After four days with my partner’s dog – Badger the border terrier – it’s easy to believe dogs are intellectually on par with a goat

Author Janet Street-Porter with Badger the dog

This might sound like heresy, but dogs are no more intelligent than sheep or goats…or even sea lions. Dogs might be “man’s best friend” but it’s hardly a relationship between equals.

Researchers at Exeter University and Canterbury Christ Church University have picked through over 300 academic papers on animal brain power, and concluded that many other animals are equally intelligent.

After four days with my partner’s dog – Badger the border terrier – these findings come as no surprise. Badger has a smart-looking face, for sure. He usually looks concerned and sympathetic, but you quickly realise this dog has a simple agenda – focusing on you with an unswerving gaze – because he’s hoping a tiny crumb from the mid-morning biscuit or breakfast toast might fall to the floor, ready to be snapped up in a nanosecond.

'Badger relieves me of the task of having to appear interested in what my partner is saying'

In spite of years of “training” by his love-struck master, Badger has extremely selective hearing – key words like “rabbit” or “walk” result in ecstatic barking and a frenzy of leaping up and down. Other simple orders like “get up” as in “get in the back of the car and shut up” have zero impact and might as well be in Urdu.

The reason why men love dogs is because they never answer back, they never moan about having to sit through a documentary on the secret life of London’s sewers, they never say “when are you going to have a shave/bath/take off those horrible shorts you bought in Tesco without my permission”.

Dogs serve a very useful purpose; they love men unconditionally, relieving me of the task of having to appear interested and concerned in what my partner is talking about. Hoorah for dogs!